4 nights, 4 girls.

My body is slowly but surely shutting down, but the sex factory that is Lagos continues to manufacture horny drunk women for me to have sex with. I feel over the past week the streets have gotten messier, the percentage of Australians has fallen and the average hotness of women has risen. 

Over the past 4 nights I have managed to bang 3 girls and wear down a girl who is still hooked on the thought of getting back with her ex-boyfriend. I’m not one to waste my time on girls hung up on other guys, but in this case the girl was a solid 9 and I had the advantage of living with her, so laying some ground work didn’t take too much of an effort.

Girl number 1 approached me in the bar. She had a cute face, tanned skin and was hiding a killer set of boobs under her summer dress. For some unknown reason I told her I was from Ireland and proceeded to talk with an accent, but it seemed to distract from the fact I was being a complete cock head so it certainly didn’t disadvantage me in any way. After the club closed I did the ‘gentlemanly’ thing and offered to walk her home, which is when the fun began. I soon discovered this girl had an attitude problem and constantly spoke of her above average IQ. She never mentioned she liked aggressive sex in alleyways, but I soon found out that she did.

Girl number 2 was the girl hung up on her ex-boyfriend. She had semi-broken up with him before she went overseas, but still kept in contact with him every day. I think that hooking up with girls in your hostel is all well and good, but trying to bring back a girl the following night and having to put up with awkwardness is the very reason I wait until their last night. It was on her last night that I found myself alone in the kitchen talking about her relationship with the boy she abandoned for her chance to live the dream. In my head I was thinking, “If you love him so much why would you leave him, bitch”, but what I thought and what I said were obviously two completely different things. I shut her up by kissing her, she went quiet for a while and said she felt bad, so I decided to employ the ‘fear of loss’ sales technique and announced I should probably go to bed. This tactic worked a treat and she was quick to pull me into the kitchen for more early morning make out sessions. I will be meeting up with her in Amsterdam for 3 days so I am hoping to seal the deal during that time.

Girl number 3 was a horny blonde New Zealander who weighed no more than 45kgs. Earlier in the night she had told my brother that she wanted to hook up with me, so I decided to be a complete dick in order to make her pussy wetter. At 3am she made the bold move of asking if I wanted to ‘get out of here’, but I declined as it was my brother’s last night in Lagos and I wasn’t about to abandon him. We left the club after closing and made our way back to her room; she lived in a sweatbox so I decided it was best if we hit the communal shower. I bent her over the sink with a view can best be described as something a pedophile would cream his pants to. I felt like I was violating a 12-year-old schoolgirl as her hips were about 25cms across and her vagina was the tightest I have ever entered. Afterwards her insecurities were on show as she poured her heart out about how she’d never had a one-night stand and slept with only 6 other men. The conversation quickly got old so I decided to go home to ‘make sure my brother got home okay’. I did feel bad for leaving her curled up, vulnerable and in tears, but that’s life.

New Zealand flag captured.

Girl number 4 was an English girl I had had my eyes for quite sometime. She seemed young and innocent, but as expected I quickly learnt the truth about how she carries herself behind closed doors. I am beginning to think my hostel kitchen has some type of aphrodisiac oozing from it’s walls as once a girl enters, odds are she’s going to be having sex with me. This is a direct quote of hers from our kitchen conversation “I didn’t come to Lagos to have sex, so if that’s what you thought we were going to do, I’m sorry”. As soon as those words left her lips and reached my ears I knew I was going to be balls deep within the hour, and balls deep I was.

- Gavin Madden

To the girls at number 17

Drained, delirious and on the verge of being violently ill is how I could describe myself as I lay in my bed at 6pm having just woken up from a decidedly stupid bender. Not unlike in the past, I have noticed that the more drugs you consume, the less likely it is for you to have any chance of pulling the trigger once you have a potential suitor isolated. You won’t pick up any subtle hints that she is happy for you to go for the kiss. You’ll be happy to ‘chat’ and find yourself actually being interested in any shit she dribbles from her mouth. You’ll make more ‘friends’ than you could possibly imagine and treat super cute girls like your best mate. Vomit.

Although sex on drugs is amazing, the chances of it happening are slim when you compare it to the greatest sex drug of all-time: Alcohol. 

Over the past couple of nights I’ve hit the drugs hard and really lost my touch when it came to figuring out my game plan. ‘Jen’ was a girl I’d seen out on several occasions. Her friend was of equal attractiveness, but I couldn’t quite go past Jen’s curly red hair and bright blue eyes. On previous nights she had shown a great deal of interest, but due to my drugs consumption, initiated anything remotely sexual was never going to happen. On this particular night I decided to give drugs a rest as I could sense nothing would eventuate unless I took the lead.

The clubs closing at 4am gives you no other option but to continue the party back at someone’s house. This is decidedly preferable to clubs closing at 6am due to the fact that it seems completely reasonable that you'd want to have a few more ‘drinks’ back at their house.

After leaving ‘Grand Café’ with both girls and my brother’s friend we made it back the number 17. I had lived at number 17 in 2009 and 2010 so I knew the house back to front. The best spots for a sneaky bang were stored securely in the back of my mind, so it was just a matter of getting my red headed target isolated. The four of us headed up to the rooftop, (a well-known sex location for anyone who has had the pleasure of staying at number 17) my brother’s friend was struggling to get anywhere with the other girl, so I made the universal head tilt signal for him to leave. With Fanta pants and I sitting rather close the friend quickly got the idea and also made an exit. Game on.

The make outs began and it she showed little to no resistance when removing the lower half of her clothing. The cute, innocent little English woman had turned into a cock hungry sex slave. I don’t recall ever seeing red pubic hair in real life so, unlike any other time in my life, I was secretly praying for a little bit of stubble. My prayers went unanswered; she was as hairless as a tongue. Out of nowhere her friend came back to get a drink so we decided it would be best to move elsewhere.  I lead her down a few flights of stairs and decide the kitchen would be an ideal sex den as it has a lockable door. Once again the clothes come off and once again condoms are not in use. Fuck. I place her on the table in a position that can best be described as the ‘stuffed turkey’.  The night would end with me observing the occupants of the house performing some type of soul cleansing ritual as they watch the sunrise.

Apologies to anyone who ate off that table the next day.

- Gavin Madden

Sex in Lagos

As I write this post I have just woken from a night of freaky sex with my Finnish roommate. She spoke little to no English, which I found incredibly hot and danced like a stripper on acid once alcohol was in her system. She refused to kiss me in the bar, but would happily have unprotected sex with me behind closed doors. Every time I escalated in the bedroom she would say no, but she was the one eventually guiding my mushroom tip into her vagina. I am yet to throw ‘no’ into google translate, but I think it would mean the same in Finnish. This was my third bang in 5 days, all of which have been unprotected; so needless to say, I should probably get my dick checked.

Arriving in Lagos 5 days ago was a sweet feeling because I knew, from past visits, that the vagina was fairly hungry around this time of year. I was very much looking forward to meeting up with a couple of my friends that I had met throughout Europe in 2009 and 2010. They had brought some ladies along for the ride, so that would swing the penis/vagina ratio to 1:15 in favour of vagina. I almost jerked it on the train coming into Lagos just knowing how good this could turn out.

Within 30 seconds of walking into my hostel, Sarah had racked me up some "Charles” which quickly cured my jet lag. I heard that he was out of town in 2011 and as he has a tendency to make cock hunters out of nuns, so this could only mean good things in 2012. The decidedly more attractive group of girls were keen to head out, so after a heavy pre-drinking session we hit the bars. Earlier in the evening Sarah had mentioned that the other girls in the group knew about me hooking up with their best mate in 2010. Unfortunately that story involves me going down on her for 45 minutes so I could divert the attention away from me not being able to maintain a full and firm erection. This was obviously a horrible first impression and somewhat of a setback when it came to having any of them in my bed by the end of the night. 

The streets of Lagos are just as I remember them; a drunken, coke filled slut haven. I was really enjoying the looks guys gave me when they saw the hotties I was partying with, but having said that, I still wasn't overly confident they would take me seriously considering the floppy cock I apparently always have. I did a few approaches throughout the evening, but I wasn't content with wasting my time on mediocre looking girls. I ended up banging Sarah (with a full on erection) and it would be fair to say I took out my frustration of being floppy cocked with her friend on her vagina. I have been friends with Sarah for about 3 years and I recall us stopping mid-bang to laugh about the situation and although I don’t regret it, it was a little awkward in the morning.

The following night I went bar hopping with the uglier group of girls. The night started fairly similarly to the previous night; vodka, cocaine and a house full of girls. After dancing the entire night like a bunch of spastics, I was given the wonderful job of looking after Rachael, a girl who had had her drink spiked with one of Lagos’ infamous blue pills. These things are everywhere in Lagos and they get you messed up! Rachael was fairly standard looking: slight ghetto booty, c-cup breasts, 5’6’’, cute, but not someone I’d go out of my way to fuck…well normally. Although I had snorted about half a gram of coke I still struggled to keep up with her conversations, as she was chewing her face off and fairly incoherent. At one stage she forced me (at knife point) to give head to a banana because she wanted to “see me suck dick”. Hey, you’d probably have no hesitation in deep-throating a banana if a pilled-up, knife wielding woman forced you to. I ended up banging her in the shower and got accused of raping her by the other girls in the house. On paper this would seem like a classic case of ‘guy gets girl shitfaced and fucks her’, but I can assure you it’s not.

- Gavin Madden