Bangkok Fatties

Our first night in Bangkok would see Lionel and I too exhausted to get through our first beer and head to bed before the night had even started.  The jet lag had kicked in and we had decided to conserve our energy for the following night as to provide us with the best vagina hunting opportunities. 

By 5am the red bull had gotten the best of us and dancing became our number one priority. Before we knew it the night was coming to an end and we had hardly spoken to anyone. With 10 minutes left until everything closed for the night I turned to Lionel who was displaying a look on his face that would rival a male Rhino during mating season. It would seem on this particular night he was prepared to take anything home and he was quick to spark up a conversation with the fattest Swedish girls I have ever laid eyes on.

I came to Thailand with the goal of fucking cute, sun kissed beach babes, but with my vodka goggles on and Lionel being his normal persuasive self I took a deep breathe and joined in on the conversation. It didn’t take to long for Lionel’s girl to agree to him walking her home, which left her friend and I alone on an empty street on the outskirts of the Bangkok city centre.

Celia was plump with a pretty face and seemed in need of some foreign cock. At this point I thought to myself “Well a notch is a notch” still cringing inside at the thought of spreading her thunder thighs and dipping the boss into her juicy snatch.

“Where do you live?” she blurted out in what sounded like an American accent.

“Just around the corner”

“Well let’s go!” She demanded

We fucked and the ‘Thai Fuck’ bank account had officially been opened… even if it was with a fatty.

I woke up in the morning to find an empty half of the bed where she had been sleeping; she had thankfully left early. There’s nothing worse than knowing you’ve fucked a fat chick and then having to wake up next to her - It’s as if the ‘fuck-gods’ are rubbing it in your face.

Lionel arrived home around an hour later and seemed just as disgusted in himself as I was. After a little discussion we decided to head to Koh Tao in an effort to redeem ourselves and leave the Bangkok fatties behind us.

 - Gavin Madden

A quick look at my most memorable flags

USA: - 160cm, 60kgs, brown hair - Gave me a blowjob in a room full of 15 people 

whilst we were all watching 'Anchorman'. I then escorted her to a nearby room for sex.

Canada:  170cms, 60kgs, blonde hair- Both her and her friend invited my mate and I for lunch. After lunch we did the mushrooms they kindly provided us with. We later had the most tripped out sex ever.

Ireland:  155cms, 50kg, brown hair - Fucked her on a balcony with a tap running 
on my face the entire time. Apparently fucked one of my Irish mates a few weeks later. 

England: 165cms, 55kgs, blonde hair - She was convinced I was a guy she kissed the night before. Called me and arsehole for not remembering her. I told her I would make it up to her by letting her stay the night with me. Made her gush all over my bed and invited my friend in for a look after she left. I still have no idea who she thought I was.

Scotland: 160cms, 55kgs, blonde hair - Gave a 21 year old lesbian her very first dicking. She was on her period so I fucked her in the ass.

Portugal: 150cms, 45kgs, brown hair - 18 years old, but rode cock like a pro. Broke the sink and flooded the bathroom.

Germany: 160cms, 60kgs, brown hair - 34 year old mother of two and liked it in the ass.

Italy: 155cm, 50kgs, brown hair - Period juice everywhere. Friends thought I murdered someone. After I told them what I had done my friend went to give me a high-five, but quickly changed his mind after he noticed more blood splattered on my forearm. Nice.

Latvia: 150cms, 45kgs, blonde hair - May have been a prostitute, but I didn't pay for shit.

Poland: See story.

Ukraine - See poo story

New Zealand - See story

Sweden - 160cms, 55kgs, blonde hair - Destroyed on a balcony overlooking a beautiful Portuguese sunrise.

Finland: 160cm, 60kgs, blonde hair - On the way home with two girls I ran into friend of mine who was in a fight with a Russian man. After I tried breaking up the fight the police came and arrested both my friend and the Russian. They spent the night in jail. I fucked a Finnish girl in a sauna.

What is your flag story?


- Gavin Madden

Using travel to improve your game

Becoming worldlier, developing your independence and culture shock are among the things you experience when travelling the world and living in youth hostels, but one of the bachelor’s most important skills he will learn whilst abroad will be a higher level of game. I don’t care whether he is a beginner; intermediate or advanced the truth of the matter is that he will be guaranteed an unprecedented gaming paradise and presented with the opportunity to truly be whoever he wants to be.

During your high school years you are placed in a hierarchy that for most people excludes them from having the opportunity to fuck the tastiest women. They have a reputation to uphold and they can’t be seen kissing a boy that’s seen to be of little to no value to the rest of the popular kids. Even years out of high school social circle bigotry is a harrowing force behind why a lot of men don’t bang the women they desire. This isn’t to say it never happens, but dipping your meat-rod into a high-class girls’ cock-wallet is more likely to happen if you’re thousands of miles away from your respective social circles.

Taking friends away from a woman of value will instantly increase your chances of banging her. One of the main reasons for this is because she has no one to judge her but herself. Knowing that she probably will never see you again allows her to break free of any worrying biological urges. These are the urges that tell her that “everyone will find out!” and that her value amongst her group will take a hit for banging someone that doesn’t meet the group’s ‘value criteria’. How a girl wants to be viewed by her social circle plays the most important role in whether she bangs you or not and this simply isn’t an issue when abroad.

Tip: Say you wanted a one-night stand from a hot Ukrainian. I found out the hard way that this was something that happens rarely due to their conservative views on sex. Your best bet is to research the place Ukrainian’s go on holiday during the summer. Most of the time any conservativeness they possessed in their hometown will be out the window and you’ll be banging more Ukrainians than you ever did in L’viv or Kiev.

Before I started traveling my game was average to say the least. Social situations never fazed me, but pursuing girls that were of upper echelon quality was something I struggled with. Upon my arrival home with a smorgasbord of life/sexual experiences under my belt I felt as though I was able to be a lot more interesting than I had ever been before. Not only did I have more to talk about, I also felt as if my topic of conversation was more favourable when up against the same old drivel you hear come out the typical 9-5 worker’s mouth.

I can honestly say that two thirds of the women I have banged have been while back packing. My advice to you would be to ask any person who has experienced back packing what their numbers are whilst abroad and then compare that to what they average when they’re in their hometown. The figures really do speak for themselves.

- Gavin Madden

Goodbye Europe….for now

After being in Eastern Europe for the past 3 months I have successfully added 8 new notches to my ‘bang belt’. While this isn’t a significant amount, I feel that I now have a deeper understanding of the mindset of an eastern European woman.

Eastern European girls are definitely more attractive than their Western counterparts, but when considering a trip here you must ask yourself one question: “Am I prepared to sacrifice a lot more time and effort on girls that are only 1-2 points higher than the girls I could have an abundance of in my home town?”

The answer to this question for me was yes. I felt those girls in my home town were always going to be there and can forever be used as a back up.

Would I ever return to Eastern Europe?

Definitely. This particular hunting ground is a challenging one to say the least. I found that even the 5’s and 6’s were sometimes as hard to bang as the 8’s and 9’s so sticking to gaming the hotter women will require almost the same amount of time and effort.

Even as I book my flight to Sri Lanka I feel as though I have unfinished business here. I have managed to complete a few personal tasks I set myself, but there are still some that I can’t yet ink with a ‘Mission Accomplished’ stamp.

For now I will set my sights on slaying the tourists of Sri Lanka, India and Thailand. Wish them good luck.

- Gavin Madden

Girls with boyfriends

The most challenging part of being in a relationship is to be monogamous. The obvious reasoning behind this is because it’s simply not natural. Man was born to spread his seed and the woman was created to be in receipt of it. All the soppy stuff in between is irrelevant with regard to the continuation of humans as a species. Having said this, in order to truly believe that polygamy is inevitable you have to get inside the mind of someone who has cheated on his or her partner and I thankfully had the chance to do this last night.

Maria was an Erasmus student from Mallorca in Spain. She studied the English language so, unlike most of my conversations with eastern European girls, I was able to incorporate humour into my game. Her lips were full; her hair was long and her eyes green due to her apparent German ancestry.

We were interrupted by countless drunken Italian/Spanish fuckwits during our conversation, but luckily they simply suck at not being the greasiest sleaze-balls on the planet.

In general clubs in Krakow are flooded with hoards of horny Italian/Spanish men that use creepy game to seduce naïve Polish girls who aren’t used to men approaching them so aggressively. I believe this type of game will turn Polish girls into snotty bitches and sabotage potential sex for men from most other countries. 

Here's a quick look at some of their classic tactics:

ü   When approaching a female asks if she likes Italian/Spanish men. If she  hesitates in saying 'No' go for the kiss immediately.   

ü   Approach couples and stand in between the two with your back to the guy. Be sure to encroach on her personal space. Chicks dig that shit.

ü   Approach single girls in groups of three or more. When she rejects you it’s harder to tell which one of you she was more disgusted in.

ü Go for a run before you enter the club. The ‘sweaty look’ is always a winner.

ü     Kissing random girls you've never spoken to on the neck gets them horny. Don’t be discouraged if she looks disgusted, every girl on the planet wants an Italian or a Spaniard.

With Lionel and Harry busy entertaining Maria’s friends it was time for isolation. I took her hand and pulled her from the bar telling her I “needed to talk to her in somewhere quieter”. As soon as we sat down we kissed, but after 10 seconds she pulled away. She then said the four words no man ever wants to hear: “I have a boyfriend.” She had been with him for four years and he was coming to visit her from Spain in a week. We kissed a little bit more and she went on to say how she felt we had a ‘connection’, but felt very guilty. After begging me to add her of Facebook we left the club.

This is the kind of behaviour in females that will never allow me to fully trust them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to hook up with a hottie who has a boyfriend, but to have a connection with some random foreigner in a club is simply a way to justify being a slut.

- Gavin Madden

Pushing through

When back packing I consider a drought to be more than three days without any (unpaid for) sexual encounters. The facts are that you’re going to be meeting a lot of horny young locals and if that fails you can always try your luck with one of your fellow back packers when arriving back at the hostel. Sounds easy enough, right? With logistics and the girl to guy ratio in your favour you can see how the never ending fight for vagina can be rather depressing if you can’t even manage to kiss anyone on three successive nights.

Watching balding, middle aged men having more success with the ladies made me want to pack up my penis and go home, but I felt as though pushing through was my only option.  

On night four I had had a number of unsuccessful approaches and even been physically pushed away from a young group of polish girls so my confidence in approaching had taken a turn for the worst. I had made sure to moderate my alcohol intake because I had noticed over the past few nights I had been incredibly intoxicated and this was not making it any easier for me to maintain an interesting conversation.

With balls full of semen and with what seemed like litres of red bull pumping through my veins I made my way through a sea of horny Spanish men to the smoking area to meet with Lionel. We discussed the general pretentiousness of the clubs in Krakow and decided on trying something slightly more alternative for the following evening if we weren’t successful on this particular night.  

As we made our way back down the stairs and onto the dance-floor I noticed a short Italian girls making her way towards us. Her breasts were perky and her waist thin with hair very similar style to that of 'Sideshow Bob' from The Simpsons. We made eye contact and she flashed me a smile so I blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

Me: “I want to live in your hair!”

Italian: “That would be nice”

Me: “Are you going for a smoke?”

Italian: “Yes”

Me: “Okay, I’m coming with you”

I followed her closely to sneak a peak at what she looked like from behind. Her booty was magnificent. Not big, not small and had similar characteristics to a well-rounded peach. I had been in similar situations before where I’d think too much about the end result so I was careful to keep anything sexually orientated out of my thoughts and became more focused on building attraction and fending off any potential cock-blockers.

As it turned out she was with an Erasmus group and was studying dentistry, which partially explained why her teeth looked fairly well maintained. After two attempts at kissing her she finally caved – “I don’t usually kiss in public”, this was an obvious attempt at making herself feel less slutty, but I was happy to go along with it – “I don’t either, but this just feels so right.” Vomit.

When talking to a girl with English as their second language you find yourself saying things that would make any native English speaker cringe. It seems to work quite well so I’m happy to continue spitting corny drivel to keep my penis happy.

After one too many Spanish men interrupting our conversation I decided it would be a good time to leave. At this point I was getting fairly drunk and became quite concerned that I wouldn’t be able to maintain a full and firm erection if I was to get her back to my hostel. I would later discover that this was only a slight issue.

As we walked up the stairs to my hostel dorm room I could hear what sounded like fifty people partying inside so I quickly grabbed the Italian's hand and pulled her upstairs. Assuming the girl will bang in a toilet is far more effective than trying to talk her into it, which is something I learnt the hard way.

As I bent her over the toilet bowl I noticed my cock was approximately three quarters erect so I decided finger banging her from behind would have me ready to go. As I slid one finger in I noticed it had been caked in a thin layer of blood so I opted for politely asking for a blowjob which was a more sanitary option. The sex would end with me jizzing on her back. 

The Italian: “It’s so warm.” She remarked as if she'd just stepped outside on the first day of summer.

Me: "Yep"

In the morning I felt a great sense of satisfaction that I hadn’t given up the fight for pussy. Although it was only three days my penis’ expectations are high and this is the reason pushing through in any situation will always open more doors and/or legs.

  

- Gavin Madden

Saturday night bender in Wroclaw

Wroclaw is a city, which has a high percentage of students and it was because of this Lionel, Harry and I chose it as our next destination.

As I sit at my computer in the common room of my hostel I am mentally and psychically drained. Trying to seduce Polish girls with limited conversational English has tested both my patience and level of skill in the game of charades.

We had met some girls from Belarus two nights prior and they had recommended a party that, judging by the video on youtube, looked the goods.

I had managed to kiss the one of the Belarusians and had later found out through her facebook page that she had a boyfriend so I decided to ‘friend’ her and see if I couldn’t get her to introduce me to some of her friends.

Within 15 minutes of arriving at the club Harry had gotten close to a young looking polish girl and disappeared. He had mentioned earlier that due to his drought he was willing to bust a nut in anything with a vagina, so I presumed that was exactly what he was doing.

Meanwhile Lionel and I had made friends with a very pale, energetic Polish man who had decided that giving us free cocaine was a good idea. Every 45 minutes he would wave us into the toilet where we would share a cubicle and snort lines off a credit card he had kindly provided us with.

Ten minutes before the club closed I struck up a conversation with the most perfect looking girl in the entire establishment. She was a tall brunette with impeccable teeth and complexion. She had a way about her that made me want to quickly undress her and expose her holes to the midnight air, but doing this may have had me kicked out so I decided it’d be best to maintain a polite conversation. As it turned out she was working so I got her facebook and set my sights on the next venue.

We walked out into the daylight like a pack of talkative zombies. One of the Polish men we had quickly made friends with suggested a club that didn’t close to 11am and at the time it sounded like one of the greatest ideas of all time.

The club was dark and dingy with couches scattered throughout. Making eye contact with people seemed a little strange, but everyone seemed to be having a good time. We danced with a 76-year-old man who spoke no English and watched countless drug fucked men trying their luck at anything that remotely resembled a female.

After chatting with few Polish men for a few hours Lionel and I decided it would be best to leave. As we were saying our goodbyes we noticed two reasonably attractive girls sit down next to us. We would spend the next 3-hours struggling through conversation, but luckily they knew how to agree to letting us “sleep” at their apartment.

Ewalina was tall and skinny and did some modelling work as well as university. Bozena is comparison was wider set with gigantic breasts and a stereotypical Eastern European face. I wasn’t overly interested in Bozena and taking one for the team wasn’t something I am used to, but with the haze of alcohol and drugs clouding my judgement, I decided that she was bangable.

Ewalina had made it very clear that we all had to sleep in the same bed much to the delight of my penis. Our only hope was a fourgy or some type of awkward situation where one pair would try to ignore the fact that the other pair were exchanging litres of body fluid only centimetres away. Needless to say none of these scenarios became a reality.

Over the next 12 hours it became apparent that these girls were hooked on prescription medication and very paranoid about leaving either Lionel or I alone with one of them. After a visit from Bozena’s mother it turned out she was a doctor and also her drug supplier. Her mother was very nice, but judging by her alcohol consumption, she may have had an underlying alcohol problem.

We left the apartment on Monday afternoon with nothing more than a few make out sessions and some dry sex. I can thankfully confirm for you that this was due to their drug consumption because the following night I would bang Bozena with little resistance.

What happened to Lionel and Ewalina you ask? Lionel went back to the apartment and I haven’t heard from him in two days.  Fingers crossed he died from sex exhaustion.

- Gavin Madden

Wearing down a non-slutty Wroclaw sex slave

After one month in Ukraine it was time to set our sights on Wroclaw, Poland’s fourth largest city. Lionel had been in contact with Katrina, a girl he banged a few months beforehand and she had arranged an apartment for us, which was a two-minute walk from the city centre. Good girl.

Upon our arrival it became apparent that although we had an amazing view overlooking the city, we were provided with only one room. Lionel and I decided it would be best to use a wooden cabinet and a plant to divide the room up into two, which would make for a more suitable bedding arrangement if one of us were to drag a girl back to our lair.

Tuesday night was ladies night at a club called ‘Eter club’. The bar was filled horny men and a few attention whores with scores no higher than a 6. I had been flying solo throughout the night because Lionel was busy with Katrina and had managed to kiss a girl from Belarus. I wasn’t completely satisfied with her quality so any follow up date was going to be my second preference.

The following few days I had been contacted by a Polish girl I knew from my time in Belgium in 2010. Gosia was short, blonde and fairly attractive, but had had a boyfriend for as long as I knew her. She was a stripper four times a week and had never been drunk in her life, but always seemed to have a buzz about her when out clubbing.

We arranged to meet up and she made a point of telling me that she had broken up with her boyfriend over a year ago. If you have ever met Gosia you would know that she has a certain glint in her eye when talking to you that says: “I am slightly psychotic and want to sit on your face”, so naturally I was curious to find out how much of a psycho she actually was.

After 2 hours at the bar Gosia and I were isolated from the group and it was then I decided to kiss her. The kissing wouldn’t stop for an hour, but it was going to be tough to convince her to invite me back to her apartment. During our conversation at the bar she had mentioned only having sex with “people that she loved” and that she had only had sex with 5 different guys.

It was the following night that I managed to weasel my way into her car and instructed her to drive to her place. Getting her perfectly shaped breasts out wasn’t a problem and it was at this time she lead me to the shower. With my rock hard boner rubbing against her leg, all I could manage was a hand-job and to blow the contents of my ball sac on her stomach. 

Day three would see me back at her house. Earlier in the day we had been chatting on facebook and she had mentioned that she liked to be treated “like a whore”. Not unlike porn, she wanted to be face-fucked until she couldn’t breathe. This girl was whack, but there was no stopping what my dick ordered and that was sex with Gosia.

Getting her naked was never a problem, but putting my dick in her vagina was as easy as trying to fit my fist up my own ass. She was happy to suck my dick and let me spray cum all over her face, but sex would make her feel “slutty”. Females trying to rationalise sex is quite entertaining, but so very frustrating at the same time. I woke up with her riding my face in the morning so it wasn’t all that bad.

The next day I again spoke with Gosia on facebook. “If you come over tonight I will fuck you”, was the first thing she typed to me. I decided it was in my dick’s best interest to go visit her for once last time. She invited me around for dinner and agreed to pick me up from my apartment at 10pm.

We talked over dinner and it was discovered that the reason she doesn’t drink is because she is on anti-anxiety medication, which was stronger than Xanax. I think it has something to do with the hope for insane sex, but this was a huge turn on.

After dinner we watched a movie, but I was keen to get the party started so I began to undress her. I removed her shirt as she removed her tights and underwear. With her perfectly toned stripper body on centre stage in her living room, I slid my hand up the inside of her thigh and onto her pussy. Much to my surprise she had a tampon nestled inside, which she quickly removed. Having a girl remove her bloody tampon right in front of me wasn’t exactly making me pre-cum, but after four days without sex I ignored how revolting it was.

The moment I entered her pussy it was the like the hand of Goliath was squeezing my cock. It was definitely the tightest pussy I have ever fucked. I felt uncomfortable calling her a whore during sex, but this is what she wanted and seemed to get her off more than dick itself.

Afterwards I walked into the kitchen to get a glass of water when I noticed blood splattered all over my t-shirt.

Me: “Hmmmm"

Gosia: “Take it off, I’ll wash it for you right now.”

Aren't Polish girls the best?

- Gavin Madden

The vibe

When travelling abroad you adopt a new state of mind that encourages a ‘living in the now’ mentality . You have a heightened sense of adventure and you care less about the consequences, which allows you to do things you never thought you could. The mind numbing 9 to 5 routine that most people cement themselves into is no longer the keeper of your soul which, when contrast with the local people around you, creates waves of positive energy. The vibe is the very reason I believe I was able to snag a French girl whilst her friends, who had been trying for months, watched in disbelief.

This particular story was from back in 2010 whilst travelling through the Baltics.

During a night out in Riga I met an Australian who was studying aviation in Sweden. David was tall and nerdy looking, but seemed nice enough so I obliged when he offered to set me up with some free accommodation in Linköping; a small university town south of Stockholm. He had taken up a study abroad program and had been in Linköping for 6 months, which is easily enough time to lose your vibe once settled into your routine.

During our pre-drinking session David and his friends had mentioned they were meeting up with a few girls they were keen on and another French girl who they had been trying to bang for the last 6 months without success. They described her as beautiful and untouchable; the most sought after girl at the university. Listening to these guys describe her as if she were the female version of Jesus was rather intimidating, but I was looking forward to the challenge.

Upon entering the club David informed me that the girls hadn’t arrived yet. After downing a few drinks I was stopped by security and told that I needed to coat check my jacket and that I would have to pay for this privilege. I wasn’t happy to do this, but agreed to check my coat after going to the toilet. For some reason I had worn a dirty t-shirt under my jacket that night so decided it would be best to leave my jacket on.

Fifteen minutes later the girls arrived and although the Swedish girls were cute, I could see why Ms. France 2010 was making the boys leak pre-cum every time she was mentioned.

Flore was a thin brunette with crystal clear pale skin, bright blue eyes and although French, her English was impeccable. The boys had talked about her ability to ‘friend zone’ you within a couple of hours of meeting so this obviously needed to be avoided.

At this point of my life I hadn’t read anything about game and had to rely on any natural game that I had. Flore was more than happy to talk to me and seemed very interested in my travel stories. I was puzzled as to why she was giving me so much attention. It wasn’t because I was Australian because there were a few out with us that night. I wasn’t the most handsome of the available men in the group, but I see David could sense something was going to happen.

We had been isolated in the corner of the club for 15 minutes and not being friend zoned was all that I could think about. I had nothing to lose by kissing her. I was never coming back to Linköping and there was a good chance I would never see anyone I had met that night ever again. I had my chance and I took it.

The kiss took her by surprise and after an initial pull back she kissed back. I opened one eye to see David and his five friends glaring at us in disbelief. Their pussy had been knocked off the highest of pedestals and looked to be nothing but mine.

After 15 minutes of porno make out sessions I let Flore know I needed to go to the toilet. On my way back I was grabbed by the scruff of my neck and escorted to the exit like I had just thrown up on the dance-floor.

Me: “Why the fuck am I getting kicked out?”

Security: “Because you never checked your coat!”

This may have been the first time in history someone has been kicked out of a club for not checking their jacket and as I was leaving the next day so this was my one shot at French glory.

The streets were covered in snow and I had no way of contacting David or more importantly Flore as I had no phone. As I stood wondering how I could get back into the club I was approached by a blonde Russian dressed like a schoolgirl.  After making a few jokes about how cold and young she looked she pulled me close and kissed me. She used more tongue than anyone I had ever met in my entire life and I estimated she had the same amount of saliva in her mouth as a Doberman. 

After ten or so minutes of the most fucked up make out session of my life, I was tapped on the shoulder by David.

David:  “What are you doing? Flore’s been waiting for you inside and you’ve been out here with this chick?”

Me: “Yes”

I’m not sure why I didn’t mention the reason I got kicked out, but I’m sure it may have put him in a better mood. Not only had I kissed the girl of his dreams but I had seemingly ditched her for a Russian dressed like a 15-year-old.

I told the Russian that I would meet her inside as David brought Flore out to see me. He stared at us awkwardly as I kissed Flore hoping that she couldn’t taste what seemed like litres of Russian Saliva in my mouth.

David and his friend’s jealously had spiraled out of control and they had decided to tell Flore what I had been doing outside in the snow. Needless to say after leaving Linköping I was never contacted by David again, but still received a Facebook friend request from Flore a few weeks later.

I would say the hardest part about having the vibe is never losing it. This is something I plan on doing.

- Gavin Madden

10 things you need to know about Ukrainian women

1.     95% of girls are not sluts and because of this one-night stands are rare. Going two or three dates without sex is common, but the sex is worth it.

2.     Learning a few Ukrainian words will increase your chances of picking her up by at least 25%.

3.     Being feminine in anyway will not do you any favours. Ukrainian women want men; so be macho as fuck.

4.     Not unlike Poland, dark skinned men are worshipped. Don’t leave your girl alone with even the ugliest Spaniard; they will win her over most of the time.

5.     When texting they will take their time replying. I found it common for them to leave at least 6 hours in between texts. A smiley face is usually typed like this :) however Ukrainian women will leave the eyes out making it seem as though she’s putting her sentences in brackets. 

6.     Appearance is everything. High heels are worn more than any other shoe, even to dinner at your apartment.

7.     Up to 50% of Ukrainian men have some form of alcoholism so although being shit-faced is awesome, a more controlled approach is more desirable.

8.     Being cocky will get you nowhere when first approaching women. ‘Confident nice guy’ is your best bet.

9.     Use protection when fucking. Birth control isn’t used nearly as much as it should be.

10. Having an apartment to bring her back to will increase your chances of being in her vagina by at least 50%. Most girls between 18 and 25 still live with their parents and trying to sneak her into your hostel is a risk you shouldn’t be willing to take.

The Apartment: WEEK ONE

After one week in our apartment we have managed to secure ourselves two stage five clingers, two flaky head fucked hotties, a plant Lionel stole from the street and a possible eviction.

The story begins with a text from Julia that read: “Hey, you and Lionel up for some fun tonight?” Lionel and I decided to give the fiery red head and ‘virgin girl’ another whirl before we removed them permanently from our lives. We met them out at a nearby bar where would drink for a few hours before beginning our walk back to the apartment. Lionel had gotten considerably drunker than any of us and decided pushing over street pot plants would have the girls begging for sex as soon as we got home.

This behaviour is apparently quite uncommon in L’viv so the girls and I decided to run back to the apartment to escape a beating from the local authorities. As we entered the apartment I noticed Lionel in my peripherals close behind us carrying what look like a plant. As I turned to tell him how ridiculous he was acting he proceed to lob dirt at me, covering my entire face. This unfortunately wasn’t the end of his rampage. If I didn’t know any better I would of thought he was trying to cockblock both of us. Thankfully we had fucked the girls quite well a few nights beforehand. I feel confident in saying that their pussies were ours even if we had of sacrificed a goat right there in our kitchen. The sex was great, the house was caked in dirt and I even performed a porno style jackhammer on Julia.

The following night we decided to contact two girls we had met at ‘Metro’ earlier in the week. Natasha had a classic case of ‘I’m hot as fuck, but dress like a 12 year old from 1995’, but this didn’t seem to bother Lionel. Irena, a solid 8.5, was of equal attractiveness to Natasha and possibly the ditsiest Ukrainian I’ve ever met. We had organised to have sex with them at our apartment under the guise of cooking them dinner. The text message conversation was equally as odd as Natasha’s dress sense:

Me: “Hey we had fun with you the other night. You and Natasha should come over to our apartment for drinks and dinner tonight?

6 hours later…

Irena: “Yes we will come.”

I then sent her our address and told them to come over at 8pm and asked her if there was anything in particular they didn’t eat, but received no reply.

Me: “Do you eat fish?”

2 hours later …

Irena: “Yes”

We had decided to wait until they arrived to cook the fish, but by 10pm we hadn’t heard anything from them and decided we were being stood up. I shot Natasha a text: “Are you coming?” to try to confirm this, but was surprised to receive a text back within two minutes: “In 15 minutes.”

Forty-five minutes later Lionel and I were having a cigarette on our balcony discussing how fucking rude these bitches were when we heard the girls familiar laughs. We watched them try to find our apartment for the next 10 minutes for some light entertainment before calling out to them and eventually letting them in.

They both wore brightly coloured jeans and 6-inch heels making them slightly taller than us. The girls make up was light, their toned stomachs were clearly visible through the fishnet t-shirts they both wore. They giggled like schoolgirls as they entered our apartment whilst handing us a bottle of Ukrainian whiskey and white chocolate as a gift. I thought that was nice of them, but white chocolate and whiskey is a small price to pay for being weird as fuck.

Me: “Okay, we can start cooking now.”

Natasha: “We’re not hungry.”

Not only did they make us wait, they had something to eat before they came over for dinner. These girls were being bitches and I was very close to letting them know this, but the power of the pussy made me bite my tongue.

Lionel and I had noticed that every time we had been out with these girls they had never drank and were always completely sober. We decided it would be in our best interest to feed them alcohol to loosen them up, as they seemed a little uncomfortable speaking English. After four or so drinks they were both drunk: Objective one complete.

My following actions were due to the fact that in Eastern Europe it’s very common for a guy to go home empty handed if he doesn’t act like a complete sleaze and fails to control a girl both mentally and physically. Eastern Europe seems to be stuck in the 1950’s where buying a girl a drink isn’t a sign of weakness and a hot woman will fuck an ugly dude as long as he’s a good man. The women are rarely dressed like sluts and are incredibly obsessed with how they look. It’s uncommon to have a one night stand so taking them out on a few dates is highly recommended if you want to bang anything over an 8.

After good results using cave man game on Julia I decided to try it out on Irena. I took her by the hand and told her I was going for “a smoke”. The beauty about the balcony is that you have to walk through my bedroom in order to gain access. I pushed Irena onto the bed and playfully smashed her over the head with a pillow. She pulled me down onto the bed as we passionately kissed in clear view of Lionel and Natasha who were still chatting in the kitchen.

Earlier in the night the girls had mentioned that they had a great relationship with god and to signify this they would wear a ring on their marriage finger. This was obviously a very small set back, but Lionel was fairly keen to slay his second virgin for the week.

Whilst kissing Irena on the bed I noticed Lionel carrying Natasha into his bedroom. The isolation part of the mission was complete, now to make the epic journey past the glaring eyes of our lord and saviour ‘Jesus Christ’ and into the depths of her vagina. Her barriers were up incredibly high. It was as though her daddy was going to inspect her vagina the moment she got home to make sure not even a finger had been inside.

I tried for at least 2 hours, but I only got as far as her amazingly well rounded breasts. After giving up she fell asleep and I heard Lionel in the kitchen drinking a glass of water so I decided to ask him how he went.

Lionel: “Kissing and awesome boobs”

We said goodbye to them in the morning and were left scratching our heads.

We received a text from Penelope later that day: “Why were you awake at 3am this morning? I walked past your apartment and your light was on”.

Are we concerned? Yes. A little.

- Gavin Madden