The Apartment: WEEK ONE

After one week in our apartment we have managed to secure ourselves two stage five clingers, two flaky head fucked hotties, a plant Lionel stole from the street and a possible eviction.

The story begins with a text from Julia that read: “Hey, you and Lionel up for some fun tonight?” Lionel and I decided to give the fiery red head and ‘virgin girl’ another whirl before we removed them permanently from our lives. We met them out at a nearby bar where would drink for a few hours before beginning our walk back to the apartment. Lionel had gotten considerably drunker than any of us and decided pushing over street pot plants would have the girls begging for sex as soon as we got home.

This behaviour is apparently quite uncommon in L’viv so the girls and I decided to run back to the apartment to escape a beating from the local authorities. As we entered the apartment I noticed Lionel in my peripherals close behind us carrying what look like a plant. As I turned to tell him how ridiculous he was acting he proceed to lob dirt at me, covering my entire face. This unfortunately wasn’t the end of his rampage. If I didn’t know any better I would of thought he was trying to cockblock both of us. Thankfully we had fucked the girls quite well a few nights beforehand. I feel confident in saying that their pussies were ours even if we had of sacrificed a goat right there in our kitchen. The sex was great, the house was caked in dirt and I even performed a porno style jackhammer on Julia.

The following night we decided to contact two girls we had met at ‘Metro’ earlier in the week. Natasha had a classic case of ‘I’m hot as fuck, but dress like a 12 year old from 1995’, but this didn’t seem to bother Lionel. Irena, a solid 8.5, was of equal attractiveness to Natasha and possibly the ditsiest Ukrainian I’ve ever met. We had organised to have sex with them at our apartment under the guise of cooking them dinner. The text message conversation was equally as odd as Natasha’s dress sense:

Me: “Hey we had fun with you the other night. You and Natasha should come over to our apartment for drinks and dinner tonight?

6 hours later…

Irena: “Yes we will come.”

I then sent her our address and told them to come over at 8pm and asked her if there was anything in particular they didn’t eat, but received no reply.

Me: “Do you eat fish?”

2 hours later …

Irena: “Yes”

We had decided to wait until they arrived to cook the fish, but by 10pm we hadn’t heard anything from them and decided we were being stood up. I shot Natasha a text: “Are you coming?” to try to confirm this, but was surprised to receive a text back within two minutes: “In 15 minutes.”

Forty-five minutes later Lionel and I were having a cigarette on our balcony discussing how fucking rude these bitches were when we heard the girls familiar laughs. We watched them try to find our apartment for the next 10 minutes for some light entertainment before calling out to them and eventually letting them in.

They both wore brightly coloured jeans and 6-inch heels making them slightly taller than us. The girls make up was light, their toned stomachs were clearly visible through the fishnet t-shirts they both wore. They giggled like schoolgirls as they entered our apartment whilst handing us a bottle of Ukrainian whiskey and white chocolate as a gift. I thought that was nice of them, but white chocolate and whiskey is a small price to pay for being weird as fuck.

Me: “Okay, we can start cooking now.”

Natasha: “We’re not hungry.”

Not only did they make us wait, they had something to eat before they came over for dinner. These girls were being bitches and I was very close to letting them know this, but the power of the pussy made me bite my tongue.

Lionel and I had noticed that every time we had been out with these girls they had never drank and were always completely sober. We decided it would be in our best interest to feed them alcohol to loosen them up, as they seemed a little uncomfortable speaking English. After four or so drinks they were both drunk: Objective one complete.

My following actions were due to the fact that in Eastern Europe it’s very common for a guy to go home empty handed if he doesn’t act like a complete sleaze and fails to control a girl both mentally and physically. Eastern Europe seems to be stuck in the 1950’s where buying a girl a drink isn’t a sign of weakness and a hot woman will fuck an ugly dude as long as he’s a good man. The women are rarely dressed like sluts and are incredibly obsessed with how they look. It’s uncommon to have a one night stand so taking them out on a few dates is highly recommended if you want to bang anything over an 8.

After good results using cave man game on Julia I decided to try it out on Irena. I took her by the hand and told her I was going for “a smoke”. The beauty about the balcony is that you have to walk through my bedroom in order to gain access. I pushed Irena onto the bed and playfully smashed her over the head with a pillow. She pulled me down onto the bed as we passionately kissed in clear view of Lionel and Natasha who were still chatting in the kitchen.

Earlier in the night the girls had mentioned that they had a great relationship with god and to signify this they would wear a ring on their marriage finger. This was obviously a very small set back, but Lionel was fairly keen to slay his second virgin for the week.

Whilst kissing Irena on the bed I noticed Lionel carrying Natasha into his bedroom. The isolation part of the mission was complete, now to make the epic journey past the glaring eyes of our lord and saviour ‘Jesus Christ’ and into the depths of her vagina. Her barriers were up incredibly high. It was as though her daddy was going to inspect her vagina the moment she got home to make sure not even a finger had been inside.

I tried for at least 2 hours, but I only got as far as her amazingly well rounded breasts. After giving up she fell asleep and I heard Lionel in the kitchen drinking a glass of water so I decided to ask him how he went.

Lionel: “Kissing and awesome boobs”

We said goodbye to them in the morning and were left scratching our heads.

We received a text from Penelope later that day: “Why were you awake at 3am this morning? I walked past your apartment and your light was on”.

Are we concerned? Yes. A little.

- Gavin Madden