A Night Out In Melbourne

Melbourne in one sentence: The most expensive city I've ever been to, but the nightclubs, bars and girls are enough for you to temporarily forget about the money you're spending.

A pint of beer: $8-$12

Cocaine: $300-$350 per gram (forget about it)

My average cost per night out: $150-$300

Must see club: Revolver - Friday/Saturday night/Sunday morning.

Like most large western cities the 'live for the weekend' mentality has run rampant so expect the clubs and bars to be packed regardless of the weather. Having said that I've found the mid-week hookup to be much more likely given that most university students prefer a cheaper option on a Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday evening.

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The following took place on ANZAC day (An Australian national public holiday).

The familiar vibration of a text message was felt against my leg as I lay awake in my bed. As I robotically swiped the lock screen to one side I could see the message was from Jim, a friend of mine.

"Where are we going to watch the game today?"

It was ANZAC day. A day to honour the fallen Australian and New Zealand soldiers of World War One, World War Two, conflicts and peacekeeping operations by getting blind-drunk and watching a game of AFL. Jim and I had decided to gather a group of roughly fifteen people to accompany us to a bar in Richmond on the outskirts of the Melbourne CBD. As expected the bar was crammed wall to wall with drunken 20-somethings enjoying every minute of their mid-week freedom.

With my pint of beer firmly gripped in my right hand I decided to position myself away from most of my friends as to get a better view of the outside television screen. During the first quarter of the game I had bumped into a few guys from work who had taken a liking to a group of girls to our left.

“That chick is hot.” Whispered Steve as he turned his body towards me in an attempt to disguise his admiration. 

“I think you should go tell her.” I replied.

With a split second of hesitation and a sip of his beer Steve turned in the direction of the group of girls. His face remained emotionless as he took a few steps in the direction of the short brunette. Her face was slightly chubby, but her body reasonably thin. She wore black leggings with a pair of denim short shorts complimenting her rounded ass. Her low cut top revealed a perfectly tanned set of breasts, which made the hours she spent at the solarium obvious. As they watched the game her group’s shrieks of excitement sounded similar to the squawking sounds of a hungry group of seagulls fighting over the last piece of bread.

“You’re hot” Steve said as he stood facing her maintaining strong eye contact.

“Oh, thanks” The short brunette replied grinning from ear to ear. You could see in her face that she was understandably a little taken back by his bold statement. At this point I decided it would be best for me to introduce myself to their group, as they seemed quite open to talking to new people. After fifteen minutes of back and forth small talk it was the short brunette that turned her attention towards me. She would make a point of getting up in my face like a rabid dog when a goal was scored against the team I was supporting.

It wasn’t until half time that I saw an opportunity to isolate her from her friends.

“Hey, let’s go get a drink.” I suggested turning my body in the direction of the busy bar. She obliged as I took her hand and led her through the deafening crowd of rowdy football fans until we reached the back of a surprisingly small queue.

“Should we get some shots? It’s my shout.” Said the short brunette as we made our way to the front of the queue. I quickly put my wallet back in my pocket and agreed that shots would be a good option. As I licked the salt off my hand, threw back the shot and sucked the bitter juice from the slice of lemon I knew that this would be a good moment to go for the kiss. The kiss was short, yet passionate. She didn’t seem to care that we were in a public bar with hundreds of spectators.

As we made the journey back through the crowd the short brunette mentioned that she needed to go to the toilet and that she wanted me to wait for her. I told her to be quick as I stood chatting with the bouncer at the toilet entrance. Within ten seconds the toilet door swung open.

“Come into the cubicle with me” She whispered

“You can’t go in there.” Warned the security guard in his attempt at the deepest voice on the planet.

“I know, I know. I won’t go in. She’s crazy.” I replied

As the bouncer walked away I felt her hand firmly grasping my wrist as she yanked me inside of the female toilets.

“What are you doing? Are you crazy? We’re going to be kicked out.” I screamed.

I was being a little bitch.

Within five seconds my cock was deep in the salivating depths of her throat, but before I could begin to enjoy it, a loud thumping rattled the cubicle door.

“Get out! NOW!”

We were quickly removed from the venue, but that wasn’t before I explained to my friends the reason I was being kicked out.

A rough timeline of the following 5 hours:

8pm – The short brunette and I arrive at a family restaurant thinking it was 2am. We do shots, dry fuck in full view of the entire restaurant and act generally inappropriate.

10pm – A group of my friends are involved in a fight out the front of the bar.

10.30pm – A group of my girlfriends are involved in a (cat)fight out the front of the bar. Reeeow

1am – I am invited to stay the night at the short brunette’s house. We order $60 worth of Mcdonald’s and head home for sex. Her house just happens to be a five minute walk from my office so the journey to work the following day is short. Perfect.

1.30am – Another group of my friends witness a small Asian boy being dragged down an alleyway by three would-be robbers. They flee the scene after being scared off.

Oh glorious Melbourne.

 - Gavin Madden

The Sisters - Part Two

As we made our way to the centre of town the cocaine had well and truly kicked in. It took all my will power not to start running to the town centre as fast as I could, but we decided against it because we didn't feel like sweating more than we already had.

In the back of my mind I knew that it was best for us to predetermine which of the two Dean and I were going to pursue. As men we must do the choosing. Giving a woman options will more than likely leave you with an undesired outcome.

"Which one do you want?" I asked Dean as my mouth became as dry as a handful of desert sand.

"I think I like the blonde one." He replied

I nodded in agreement as I draw back as hard as I could on a cigarette. Although Linda was quite young, her naturally sexual vibe was enough to outweigh the fact she was only 18.

"You're late!" Carly screamed from across the street as her and Linda sat on a seat close to the town's biggest statue. I glanced down at my watch and realised we were in fact thirty minutes late.

“We’re leaving tomorrow so we can’t be out very late.” Warned Linda as we walked towards the cab-rank. They had both changed into long summer dresses, which for now would keep the sculpted contours of their thin bodies hidden from view.

During the music gig both Dean and I had successfully made our intentions clear and it wasn’t long before we had them back at our hostel, completely naked and in our beds. As Linda was quite young I wasn’t surprised to discover that lying patiently between her thighs was one of the most amazing vaginas I had ever laid eyes on. Smooth, neat and tight. What more could a man ask for?

As the morning sun began to shine I awoke to the girls in a desperate rush to find their belongings.

“Dad is going to kill us!” One of them screamed as I struggled to open my eyes.

“They came to Lagos with their dad?” I remember thinking to myself as I sat up in bed with half an erection.

“You have to come visit us in London! We have a big house you can stay in and you can meet all of our friends.” Squealed Carly as she handed Dean her contact details and both her and Linda were driven away in a taxi.

Both Dean and I were undecided as to whether we were going to visit them in London, but after browsing Carly’s facebook page it would seem as if they did indeed have a rather large house. After a brief discussion we booked our flights and were on our way to what we assumed to be a few days of sex in a mansion.

Upon arrival we were greeted by their father. He had body language that oozed authority, a handshake that gripped with the force of one thousand vices and a face that seemed to let a slight smile appear once every couple of years. Most of the time there’s no such thing as easy sex and this was a perfect example of what your brain is willing to put up with in order to keep your penis happy.

For the first night Carly decided that it would be best for her to introduce us to her friends. We had arranged to meet them at their ‘house’, which was situated in a suburb on the outskirts of London.

From the outside the house looked fairly rundown and as a peeked in through the front window it seemed as if the house was teeming with people, however there didn’t seem to be much furnishing.

“Oh, by the way. This is a squat.”

“A what?” I replied

“It’s a squat. My friends basically broke into an abandoned house and decided to live here.” Said Carly as I glanced over at Dean and gave him a blank stare.

The lounge room floor was covered in cheap foam mattresses and ashtrays. Bong smoke filled the air as we were told to “make ourselves at home”.

“So how long have you guys been here for?” I asked one of Carly’s least fucked looking friends.

“A couple of months. We’ll stay here until the council evicts us, but that could take months.”

Dean and I decided to adapt to our surroundings and spent the remainder of the night snorting lines of ketamine and dancing around in one of the empty rooms.

We decided for our second and final night we would retreat back to the family home where we were forced to sneak into each other’s bedrooms because their father “wasn’t comfortable” with his daughters sharing a room with us. Their father would have more than likely beat the living shit out of me if he had of found out I was banging his daughter while he slept, but that just made my orgasm that much more extreme.

I woke early in the morning to screams of agony from Carly’s room. My mind jumped to the worst possible conclusion. Carly’s father had found out that Dean had snuck into her room and in an uncontrollable rage her father had stabbed her multiple times in the stomach. The good news is that this wasn’t the case, however the bad news was that overnight Carly had developed several painful sores on her vagina.

Dean returned to our room after being asked to leave by the sister’s father.

“Dude, what the fuck did you give her?”

“I don’t have anything.” Dean replied seemingly puzzled. “Although I do have a cold sore on my lip.”

- Gavin Madden

The Sisters – Part One

“On Wednesday night we will be having a wet t-shirt event. Gavin, I need to you to pour the water on the girls. Is that okay?”

My heart skipped a beat as I wondered if my manager, Ricardo, was being serious. It was two weeks into my first summer season in Lagos, Portugal. A few weeks prior, I had been given strict instructions to visit this town by a drunken woman in Switzerland. “It was a risk that had paid off.” I remember thinking to myself as I excitedly agreed to be the ‘water pourer’ of Wednesday night’s wet t-shirt competition.

2009 was a year of many firsts for me. I broke up with a girlfriend for the first time, I travelled for more than just a few months for the first time and I recruited girls to take part in a wet t-shirt competition, just to name a few.

The night had finally arrived and we had two hours to patrol the streets of Lagos looking for girls that were happy to participate. “The key is to be persuasive, but not creepy.” Instructed Tom as we discussed tactics on how best to go about talking girls into being soaked in freezing cold water for the purpose of a hundred or so horny males to be able to see their tits as they dance for our entertainment on a stage. It was obviously going to be tough to find any takers if we were going to be 100% honest.

Tom was a 19-year-old law student from Western Australia. He was a people person; a natural salesman, and didn’t think twice before approaching a group of girls to ask them what their plans were for the night.

Within two hours we had spoken to over one hundred women. During that time we did what any penis-owning man would do: Target women with sizeable racks, pretty faces and that looked as if they may have little to no self-respect for their bodies after a few drinks. By the time the bar doors had opened we had successfully recruited 12 attractive women. The stage was set, the ice water jugs were filled and entire club was filled with wide-eyed, testosterone filled men. It was show time.

The very first girl arrived on stage to what seemed like hundreds of wolf whistles.

“Good luck.” Were the only words of encouragement I could think of as I prepared to pour the icy water over her white t-shirt.

“Do the girls usually get their breasts out during these type of things?” She asked in a French accent.

I obviously had no other choice but to take full advantage of her naivety. 

“Yes, after I pour the water on you it’s best for you to remove your t-shirt.” I replied trying to keep a straight face.

As she was the first girl on stage I was hoping for the remaining women’s competitive nature to take over. If they were going to stand a chance of winning they would have no choice but to do something of equal or greater nudity. My devious plan worked as expected with some girls even removing their t-shirts before I had begun to pour water over them. A few of the girls were so drunk that had I replaced the jugs of water with beakers full of semen, I’m certain they wouldn’t of been able to tell the difference.

Throughout the proceedings two girls had piqued my interest. They were sisters from England and had decided that dancing topless together for the pleasure of the male audience was the right thing to do. Linda was a brunette and the most of attractive of the two. She was of the ripe age of 18, but communicated a sexual vibe that suggested that she had experienced more cock than what I had first assumed. Her older sister, Carly, was much shorter with bleached blonde hair and a slightly jaded face, however her body was the perfect kind of thin that men dream about when wanting a girl they can throw around the bedroom.

During the night Dean and I had arranged the meet the sisters in the town centre and requested that they join us to a rock gig just outside the town walls. By this time we were quite drunk and although the girls seemed fairy keen to meet, we weren't counting on them to show up.

Before we left, Carlos, the owner of the bar had signalled Tom and I to follow him up the stairs into the private bathroom. Carlos was one of the most intimidating Portuguese men I had ever met. The majority of the time he mumbled like a retarded drug lord, but out of fear, anyone involved in the conversation would be forced to nod politely, trying as hard as they could not to look as confused as a duck emerging from a dryer.

As we entered the bathroom Carlos was quick to lock the door. My eyes darted between Tom and Carlos. Tom and I exchanged confused looks as Carlos reached deep into his pocket. My heart started to race as my mind jumped to the worst possible conclusion: Carlos was going to kill us both for nothing more than his own pleasure. As my heart began to race my weigh shifted from my back foot onto my front foot as I thought about making a run for the door. But before I could make the move Carlos pulled a clear plastic bag filled with cocaine out from the bottom of his pocket.

"This is for making tonight a success." Is what I think he mumbled as he quickly arranged the cocaine into three perfectly even lines. I knew for a fact that Tom had never done drugs before, but he wasn't about to refuse cocaine from the most intimidating man in Lagos.

We left the bathroom sniffing like flu victims and thankful we hadn't been murdered. 

I met Dean on my way out. It was time to meet the sisters in the town centre. 

To be concluded

- Gavin Madden