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- Gavin Madden

Sexual Encounters With Colleagues

There are some that avoid it, some that thrive on it and some that simply don't give a fuck, but for most, the thought of having to show up to work the morning after a sexual encounter with a colleague is enough to turn you off completely.

I for one enjoy awkward office situations, especially those of a sexual variety. It takes my mind off monotonous office work and creates a vibe within the work place similar to that of a high-school locker room.

“I’m trying to do this in the least slutty way possibly, but do you know anyone that would be up for ‘no strings attached' sex?”

A text message lit up the screen of my phone sitting in it’s usually spot next to the keyboard on my desk.

It was from Maddie. It was obvious that she was too embarrassed to ask me face to face as she had resorted to messaging me from across the room. Maddie was a tall skinny brunette that I had been friends with for the past couple of months. She was around 5’8’’ with fair skin and dark features thanks to her Portuguese father. Her sizable rack contrast well against her (Australian) size 6 frame and up until now the thought of having sex with her had only been a minor part of my day to day activities.

I naturally weighed up the pros and cons of the situation. What if something horrible happened and I am the office joke until I leave in September? What if I cum too quickly and she tells every single other bangable girl in the office? What if I can’t get it up and my nickname becomes ‘Mr floppy cock’ within the work place? This ridiculous thought process is something all men have to deal with thanks to their cavemen ancestors. Prehistoric man would only have a few women to choose from and these very problems were a real threat to their masculinity and survival due to the fact that they would most likely be around the same group of women their entire lives. The problem with this is that biologically humans are built the same way they were thousands of years ago and most of our anxieties are completely irrational due to our surroundings evolving faster than our bodies can. 

Do you ever wonder why you have that fear inside of you that tells you that approaching that hottie in the club will result in every single person turning around to laugh at you? It’s because thousands of years ago making an unsuccessful pass at one of the tribeswomen would mean having to live with that embarrassment for the rest your short life. Nowadays you can just turn around, laugh it off and most likely never see her again.

“Me” I replied without hesitation. A small amount of anxiety entered my mind, but I knew too well that responding to it in a negative and irrational way would lead me to nothing but masturbation. We exchanged a few more texts and I eventually received an invitation to her house later that evening.

When considering a ‘no strings attached’ fling with a colleague it is 

important to observe the following as to avoid dangerous repercussions.

Is she the clingy type?  - AVOID CLINGLY COLLEAGUES!

Is she the type to kiss and tell? This could potentially ruin future bangs with other work colleagues.

Is she good friends with your boss? If you fuck her over you could be left unemployed.

                

After gathering my belongings I made my way to a friend’s apartment before catching a train in the direction of Maddie’s house. During a toilet visit I had noticed my cock had been fairly battered from the previous night of sex with an old fling, so I would have to start off gently as the skin on the outside of my penis was noticeably tender.

“Do you want to eat some ice-cream?” She squealed as I entered the house.

“If it’s from inside your vagina!” I remember thinking to myself as I politely declined her offer.

As I watched Maddie and her unaesthetically pleasing housemate eat the entire bucket of ice-cream I began to question my reasoning behind finding Maddie attractive, but I soon came up with a list of five.

• Her box gap was incredible.
• She gave head like a pro.
• She was light enough to throw around like a ragdoll.
• She screamed so loud that if you didn’t know any better you would of thought I was stabbing her to death (I almost did with my dick).
• She gave me free ‘post bang cigarettes’.

We would wake up in the middle of the night to bang again and walk to work in morning as if nothing had happened. Perfect.

 - Gavin Madden

Single Mothers

They have forever been one of the most easily accessible types of women on the planet. As it stands women are already relentlessly emotional beings, but adding a baby and a breakup into the mix will push a woman's rational thought even further from their mind, as their biological urges to find a provider for their offspring takes a strangle hold on their day to day activities. With bodies that are tired, bank accounts that are empty and an emotional need for a replacement father, it's no surprise that whenever the term "single mother" is uttered the thought of 'easy sex' forcefully enters a male's mind.

My most recent run-in with a single mother was just 6 days ago and I have decided that I should take some advice from my readers as to how to best handle the situation.

The night would begin with a few innocent drinks at my brother’s house. Jayden, my brother and I were due at a friend’s birthday party in the city and as we are currently saving money for South America in September, we had no other option but to drink as much as we could before we headed out.

“Hey, how are you? My name is Tegan.”

My sister had invited one of her friends over for an hour or so for a chat as she had just unexpectedly lost her job. Tegan was one of the few of my sister’s friends that I had never met. She was short, with an extremely large set of breast implants. Her personality was overwhelmingly bubbly; the kind of person that always had something to talk about.

We all sat talking for a while as her two children restlessly explored the house. I thought nothing of how naturally touchy she was, as she seemed to be overly hands on with my sister also. At no stage within the first hour of Tegan arriving did the thought of fucking her run through my mind. As with all of my sister’s friends, there was a friendly vibe beaming back and forth between us, but in no way was there ever an undercurrent of sexual intent… until it happened. The look a woman would give you if you possessed the only penis left on the planet and she hadn’t had a good dicking in decades. The look a woman would give you if she heard that you had given ten orgasms to every girl you’d ever slept with. The look a woman would give you if your cock was made from solid gold and could cure cancer.

I had played with her kids and made them laugh; an area of fatherhood that their father apparently needed to work on. I recognised the look of desire in her face almost immediately and panicked for the reasons listed below.

• My sister had warned me that Tegan had had a psychopath ex-boyfriend that she was still on and off with.

• If I fucked her and my sister found out she would possibly kick me out of her house.
• I couldn’t completely ignore after we have had sex because, like most single mothers, they are emotionally fragile when I comes to men brushing them off once bodily fluids had been exchanged. This would then affect her relationship with my sister. 

The problem with most sexual encounters is that if you actually sat down and rationalised the situation before you had sex you’d most likely never get laid.

After my sister, my brother and Jayden had decided to have a cigarette outside Tegan and I were suddenly alone. Before I could try to fill the awkward sexual silence with a word of conversation I was forcefully pushed down onto the couch as she dug her knees firmly into my hips, straddling me like a seasoned cowgirl. After briefly gazing into my eyes she unleashed ten seconds of passionate make out session onto my face. I pushed her off in an attempt to take in the situation.

“Do you want to go into one of the rooms really quickly and have some fun?” She said as she bit her bottom lip like an amateur porn-star trying to look sexy.

“…but everyone is just outside and I have to leave in 20 minutes.” I quickly replied. The cons of this sexual encounter far outweighed the pros so at this point in time I was happy to deny her my penis.

I have since been in contact with her, but I’m a little tentative as to whether to meet up with her again. Should I fuck my sister’s psychopath-ex-boyfriend-single-mother friend? 

Have your say in the comments section below.

 - Gavin Madden