4 nights, 4 girls.

My body is slowly but surely shutting down, but the sex factory that is Lagos continues to manufacture horny drunk women for me to have sex with. I feel over the past week the streets have gotten messier, the percentage of Australians has fallen and the average hotness of women has risen. 

Over the past 4 nights I have managed to bang 3 girls and wear down a girl who is still hooked on the thought of getting back with her ex-boyfriend. I’m not one to waste my time on girls hung up on other guys, but in this case the girl was a solid 9 and I had the advantage of living with her, so laying some ground work didn’t take too much of an effort.

Girl number 1 approached me in the bar. She had a cute face, tanned skin and was hiding a killer set of boobs under her summer dress. For some unknown reason I told her I was from Ireland and proceeded to talk with an accent, but it seemed to distract from the fact I was being a complete cock head so it certainly didn’t disadvantage me in any way. After the club closed I did the ‘gentlemanly’ thing and offered to walk her home, which is when the fun began. I soon discovered this girl had an attitude problem and constantly spoke of her above average IQ. She never mentioned she liked aggressive sex in alleyways, but I soon found out that she did.

Girl number 2 was the girl hung up on her ex-boyfriend. She had semi-broken up with him before she went overseas, but still kept in contact with him every day. I think that hooking up with girls in your hostel is all well and good, but trying to bring back a girl the following night and having to put up with awkwardness is the very reason I wait until their last night. It was on her last night that I found myself alone in the kitchen talking about her relationship with the boy she abandoned for her chance to live the dream. In my head I was thinking, “If you love him so much why would you leave him, bitch”, but what I thought and what I said were obviously two completely different things. I shut her up by kissing her, she went quiet for a while and said she felt bad, so I decided to employ the ‘fear of loss’ sales technique and announced I should probably go to bed. This tactic worked a treat and she was quick to pull me into the kitchen for more early morning make out sessions. I will be meeting up with her in Amsterdam for 3 days so I am hoping to seal the deal during that time.

Girl number 3 was a horny blonde New Zealander who weighed no more than 45kgs. Earlier in the night she had told my brother that she wanted to hook up with me, so I decided to be a complete dick in order to make her pussy wetter. At 3am she made the bold move of asking if I wanted to ‘get out of here’, but I declined as it was my brother’s last night in Lagos and I wasn’t about to abandon him. We left the club after closing and made our way back to her room; she lived in a sweatbox so I decided it was best if we hit the communal shower. I bent her over the sink with a view can best be described as something a pedophile would cream his pants to. I felt like I was violating a 12-year-old schoolgirl as her hips were about 25cms across and her vagina was the tightest I have ever entered. Afterwards her insecurities were on show as she poured her heart out about how she’d never had a one-night stand and slept with only 6 other men. The conversation quickly got old so I decided to go home to ‘make sure my brother got home okay’. I did feel bad for leaving her curled up, vulnerable and in tears, but that’s life.

New Zealand flag captured.

Girl number 4 was an English girl I had had my eyes for quite sometime. She seemed young and innocent, but as expected I quickly learnt the truth about how she carries herself behind closed doors. I am beginning to think my hostel kitchen has some type of aphrodisiac oozing from it’s walls as once a girl enters, odds are she’s going to be having sex with me. This is a direct quote of hers from our kitchen conversation “I didn’t come to Lagos to have sex, so if that’s what you thought we were going to do, I’m sorry”. As soon as those words left her lips and reached my ears I knew I was going to be balls deep within the hour, and balls deep I was.

- Gavin Madden