Varna

Varna is a city that promises so much, but gives so very little. With a population of approximately 335,000 people, I would assume 50% are male and of that 50% an estimated 5% would go clubbing. That leaves you with a little over 8,000 shaved head, macho, closed minded, emotionless fuckwits to deal with whilst venturing out for a night on the piss. It wouldn't be overly far-fetched to think that the only thing that would bring a smile to a Bulgarian man's face would be to see me with a rope around my neck hanging from a tree. As I struggled to keep conscious they would comment on how if I had of just had less fun, shaven my head and worn clothes that my mother had picked out for me I would of been spared.

I have been at a hostel by the name of 'X hostel' for the past 6 nights. Although situated in one of the wealthiest parts of Varna, it is a fifteen-minute cab ride away from any notable pubs or clubs. 'Golden Sands’ is the area most frequented by partygoers and can best be described as what Las Vegas would look like if left uninhabited for around 200 years. It’s dingy, cheesy and over 50% of the tourists are German.

 A typical Bulgarian girl would have an olive complexion, nicely rounded ass, larger than average tits and light eyes, all of which give me a raging erection. Unfortunately their attitude towards tourists or anyone that doesn’t speak Bulgarian made them as attractive as a hat full of foreskins. Bulgaria had yet to do my dick any favours so I would focus my attention on talking to fellow travelers, as Bulgarian women were a waste of time.

It was our second last night and the group had decided to head into Varna to avoid the expensive tourist areas. This wasn’t a great idea if we wanted to avoid aggressive Bulgarian men, but frequenting the same clubs and expecting different results was never going to be a step in the right direction. ‘Extravaganza’ was a club that was apparently worth a look so we decided to check it out to see what all the fuss was about. As we entered the venue the group immediately split up. I was with a fellow Australian named ‘Lionel’ who was very similar in appearance and attitude towards finding some vagina to beat up. Our approach was simple: We would parade about the club like we had just snorted a gram of coke each. The contrast between our surroundings and us was incredibly obvious, as everyone in the club acted as if someone had given them the news that their family pet had just died. The mafia presence was obvious, but that didn’t seem to bother us at the time as our focus was put solely on making all the unhappy people look worse than they already were and most importantly on landing some quality ass.

Our dancing closely resembled that of what can we be seen in ‘Night at the Roxbury’ and as expected to locals didn’t warm to us in any way. I had pretty much given up all hope when two blonde non-Bulgarian looking women caught my eye walking in my direction. As they passed I had nothing better to say than ‘hi’. This seemed to do the job as the shorter girl of equal attractiveness to the taller one grabbed my hand and whisked me away toward the dance floor. They were Russian, flirty and cute. Had my luck changed? Was Bulgaria being a shit hole all in my head? Could my initial thoughts of Varna be changed for good? The answer to all three of these questions was: “FUCK NO… CUNT!”.

As I started to get close to my new 20-year-old Russian friend I felt a hand firmly grip my forearm. In my peripheral vision I could see two well-built males pushing to other males towards the door. I feared the worst as I turned my head to see a bouncer pulling two of my friends towards the door and they had decided I must also leave. I had lost my chance with the Russian and I had successfully been kicked out of a club for the second time in my entire life. Our group gathered out the front in confusion, as we were puzzled as to why we had been kicked out. Turns out it was because two of the guys had been Irish dancing and the bouncers were apparently not too keen having anyone enjoying themselves inside their 'club of misery'.

The Russians would follow us out the front where we would exchange numbers and I would receive a sneaky handjob ten metres away from where my friends had congregated. We would arrange to meet with the Russians the following night.

After an incredibly disheartening few nights out in the clubs of Varna we had decided that bringing the Russians to the beach would be ideal. The Russian’s had messaged us to let us know that they would be at a club called ‘Arrogance’. My mate ‘Alan’ and I would plan to get them out of the club and onto the beach. The beach would provide us with a perfect setting for sex or skinny-dipping at the very least. As we entered the club horrible memories of the previous nights in Varna clubs came flooding back to be me and the urge to get in and out became even more of a priority.

We quickly spotted the Russians and they waved us over. We were greeted with hugs and kissed; things we were looking good. Alan hadn’t hooked up with the taller girl; so I would distract the shorter one by initiating porno inspired make out sessions. Within two minutes Alan has worked his tongue into her mouth. He would later describe it as “…having two settings: mouth closed or gaping” and that it “...was like kissing a cement mixer minus the taste”.

We let the Russians know that we were heading down the beach and asked if they wanted to join us. The taller one was tentative at first, but I feel I had done enough groundwork with the shorter one for her to convince her in her fancy Russian language. On the way to the beach we both Alan and I decided it would be best to stop by the supermarket for Vodka as it would increase our chances of beach sex.

Arriving at the beach it was just a matter isolating the two and sealing the deal; easier said than done. Alan and I sat on the outside as hey chatted in Russian and it came increasingly apparent that their English needed a little work. I’d imagine that a portion of what they were saying to each other went a little something like this:

“Hey Katerina, vodka and big furry hats are my favourite”

“Yeah, me too”

“I can’t wait to have big cocks in my bum”

“Yeah, me either”

I suggested short Russian and I take a walk into the water. As we made our way down toward the water I told her to get on my back. I piggybacked her down along the beach about 30 metres away from Alan and the taller Russian. She jumped off my back and I pushed her down onto the sand. She resisted me taking off her shorts so I slipped my hand underneath her shorts and panties from the bottom. Her pussy was ridiculously smooth. I remember thinking “I feel as though I’m fingering a 10 year old, but a 10 year old wouldn’t be able to fit 2 fingers in her asshole”. She was happy for my fingers to be in any hole and soon enough her shorts came off. We formed a 69 in full view of late night beach goers with another mate of mine giving a Swiss German girl a boob massage somewhere in the background. It was good, but intercourse was the only thing on my mind.

I suggested a swim. She obliged and removed the rest of her clothes, revealing a perfectly tanned and toned Russian body. With her bra and g-string on she galloped toward the warm black sea water, I followed wearing nothing but my boxers. Finger banging her within an inch of her life was more than satisfying as she hand jobbed the shit out of me, but sex resistance was in full force.

We decided to meet back up with Alan and the tall Russian. Alan had been met with even worse resistance. He hadn’t even managed to get his finger in her vagina and/or ass and was stuck with horrible make out sessions. By this time it was close to 5am. We then got some food, which made us incredibly tired, and we decided to call it a night. We dropped the Russians at their hostel. “Russian sluts, huh?” remarked the taxi driver after they had gotten out of the car.

- Gavin Madden

Bang number 10

Budapest is a city that, in comparison to Krakow, has a noticeably lower percentage of quality local pussy. I decided that although capturing a Hungarian flag would be nice, a foreign backpacker would be of higher quality and would require much less effort.

It had been around 36 hours since I had finished destroying my polish fling back in Krakow, but it would seem the more sex I got the more I wanted.

As I entered the hostel I noticed a girl checking in. She was pale, smoky eyed with short red hair. The short hair bothered me, but it decidedly suited the shape of her face. She wore a low cut top and denim short shorts that revealed the crease between her arse and her upper thigh. She had a kind smile and teeth that were in perfect condition. She would be my target.

When backpacking one of the first questions I will ask a girl is: “How long are you here for?” - An innocent question it would seem, but translated it would be something like this: “If I fuck you tonight I would prefer that you not be around tomorrow so I can fuck other chicks”. This question is obviously not necessary if it’s your final night at a particular destination, but it’s most useful on the nights leading up to it. Another question worth asking is: “Where are you going to next?” – Not asking this as a follow up question could having you thinking you are in the clear only to find her checked into the same hostel as you at your next destination - A situation that I have unfortunately found myself in.

The pre-drinking would begin at the rooftop bar of the hostel. My travel buddy and I joined a group of Australians for some drinking games. I had noticed that my target had positioned herself a few tables across from us with her group of friends. We caught each other’s glances every now and again, but her sitting 15 metres away wasn’t getting me any closer to banging her.

My plan was to make a witty comment as I walked past them on my way to the bar, but as I was thinking of what to say I noticed a Canadian girl that we had made friends with the night before sitting and chatting with them. I waved her over and it was then she invited the group of girls with her; my witty comment manoeuvre had just been made redundant.

She was English and was of the ripe old age of 19. When talking her eye contact would linger for a few seconds longer than what seemed natural and I would catch her staring at me even when the attention was on another person. All signs looked good, but a few of the Australian boys were putting in a decent effort to win her vagina for the night. I bided my time and made the odd sly comment about her being a lesbian because of her short hair. It was at a bar called ‘Szimpla’ that I would be confronted by her about how mean I was to her. I would make it seem as if I had no idea what she was talking about and that she had overreacted. I made sure to have a stupid smirk on my face as if to say: “I’ m fucking with you” the entire time.

It was obvious that she was highly receptive to western game. I could see in her face that my cockiness was making her pussy wet. If she had of been carrying a bucket between her legs it would have been filled to the brim. I taught her my handshake to lighten the mood and to gradually introduce her body to mine.

Side note: Whilst travelling through Zakopane in Poland I came across a head massager that cost me next to nothing. Whilst taking it out to bars with you would seem mildly creepy, it’s a great way to get her juices flowing back at your hostel/apartment.

‘Smokey eyes’ interrupted the conversation to let me know that she was going to go to the toilet. She grabbed my hand and led me away toward the bathrooms. Did she have a weird piss fetish? Did she want me to fuck her in the toilet? “But I hadn’t even kissed her yet.”, I remember thinking to myself. Turns out it was an excuse to get me away from the rest of the hostel guests; such a clever girl! We shared a sneaky make out session in front of the female toilets. She was a ‘teeth clunker’, but her teeth were in pristine condition so I let her off for that one.

I took her onto the rooftop smoker’s area where our make outs got more intense and pulling the back of her hair made her entire body shake as if paralysed by pleasure. Earlier in the night she had mentioned that she had to be home early so she could get up to catch her train to Split in Croatia. I decided to take full advantage of this  - “You should probably get back to the hostel, you don’t want to miss your train in the morning” and she replied with “You’re right, let’s go”, BINGO!

During the walk back to the hostel she insisted in finding a dark place to fuck, but every alleyway reminded me of a 7-11. It would seem that Budapest’s streets may have won the ‘world’s brightest streets at night award’ for 2012. We played around with each other’s genitals quite a bit, but fucking in the brightest city street in the world wasn’t going to happen.

The hostel we were staying at was on the 5^th floor and the floors below it were under construction at the time. I decided it would be best for me to fuck her in the construction site, so I led her over the circular saws, nail guns and pine wood to a darkened room. I removed her clothes and bent her over. “Why the fuck don’t these workers take their tools home with them” I remember thinking mid-bang.

“I can tick being fucked on a construction site off my to-do list” she remarked whilst pulling her panties up from around her ankles.

- Gavin Madden

Kockblocked in Krakow

In a land where “No” literally means “Yes” you can see why it would be easy to get raped here. Walking the streets of Krakow during winter should be the 8^th wonder of the world. During the summer time it would seem most of the university students have gone on holidays elsewhere. That’s not to say Krakow wasn’t a pussy paradise for my travel buddies and I, but there is a fairly obvious contrast when comparing the two.

In winter the girls seem to warm to you as the ratio of tourist versus local is a lot lower. During the summer the clubs are teeming with vagina hungry sex tourists that are keen to smash local box. The local girls can sense this and an approach that would kick ass in winter would get turned down over and over again during the summer time.

My friends and I arrived in Krakow one week ago. They were incredibly eager to see whether the legends that I had so proudly told them were true. We arrived at the hostel and were greeted by a pretty receptionist by the name of Gosia, we would later learn that every single hostel staff member was quite attractive, so it would have been rude of us to turn down an offer to join them on their 'staff tram party'. 

“You’re in Poland, you should fuck me on a park bench” were the receptionist final words before James sunk his cock into her vagina. “My purse has been stolen” said Ania after Kev had fucked her stupid on a statue in the middle of an apparently dangerous park. “Fuck” was the word heard coming from both me and Simon’s mouths as the two other staff members disappeared from the party after an hour of solid make out sessions. So after a couple of days of gaming we had hooked up with 4 out of 5 staff members, but I wasn’t about to let the last one get away.

I spent the following day scheming as to how I was going to get my penis inside of her. I had two days before I left and she wasn’t working either of them so bending her over the front desk at 4am wasn’t really an option. I was to meet up with my long-term fuck buddy on my final night so that evening would have to do. 

She went by the name of ‘Iga’ and I she rarely went out, got drunk or flirted with hostel guest; my mission had taken a horrible turn for the worst. The hostel was full of dick, I would estimate that it was 10 to 1, so competing with the horny young males within the hostel would be another hurdle I would have to jump over, but I wasn’t about to give up this early into the piece.

The competition for her attention was fierce during pre-drinks so I decided it would be best for me to sit back and watch game-less males do their best to weasel their way into her panties. Every now and again I would catch her eye as if to say “Hey, I’m going to fuck the shit out of you”, this would continue for the next half an hour or so. I waited for her to get up to get a drink, GAME ON! I excused myself and followed her to the kitchen where I challenged her to a wrestling match after proudly announcing that I could “beat the shit out of her”. She obliged so I swiftly picked her up and carried her to the lobby where we sat closely on the couch, isolation complete. It was now a matter of teaching her a handshake and telling her how stupid she was for not being able to remember it.

I think it’s very important to note that most travellers don’t have game, they rely on being the ‘novelty guy’ all the local girls want to fuck, but when it comes to out gaming fellow travellers they are puzzled and give up early and move on.

By the midnight the pre-drinking crew decided to head out. Iga and I had been chatting in the lobby area for quite a while, so I told the others I would catch up with them at the bar in fifteen minutes. They had mentioned going to ‘Carpe Diem’ and as it turned out there were four Carpe Diems in Krakow, so as you could imagine I was finding it very hard to disguise my happiness when we turned up and no one was there.

I bought her a drink and we headed to the dance floor. Like most Polish girls she knew how to move her hips in a way that says “I really do know how to fuck”. I am in no way a dancer so I decided that following her lead would make it less obvious that I dance like I’ve just snorted 10 grams of ketamine. I decided it was time for the kiss, but just like every other polish girl she turned her head away, but kept dancing crotch to crotch.

The way I see it is if she wasn’t going to be eventually down for the kiss she would discontinue dancing and walk away, but they never do. The best advice I can give is to brush it off and try again later.

This is exactly what I did in this situation and it worked. Before I knew it we were ‘that couple’ in the club. Amazingly sloppy make out sessions and dry sex on the couches, yum.

After a few more drinks I could almost feel her juices flowing through her jeans so I simply got up and said “Let’s go”. We headed back to the hostel where much to my delight I was greeted by 6 drunken fuckwits wanting to cockblock the shit out of me. It was one of those situations where if they weren’t getting pussy they would do their best to make sure I didn’t either. I employed the ‘fuck off you stupid cunt’ stare and four of them got the hint and left. We were left with two random guys, one of them Polish, the other Kiwi. Even after me explicitly telling him he was being rude and should fuck off, the polish dude was fairly content on speaking nothing but Polish as to make sure I couldn’t be involved in the conversation. We spent the following 2 hours being followed around the hostel, cockblock complete. FUCK!

I will be returning to Krakow within the next 2 weeks to seal the deal.

- Gavin Madden

Krakow notes

Cockfest in clubs.

Ugly dudes with hot chicks is too common.

Polish men dress sense is generally disgusting.

Language barrier in loud clubs.

Girls will eye fuck the shit out of you and will not look away until 

you do.

Girls will take you home and teach you how to fuck. They will make you breakfast in the morning. A Polish woman would make a great mother.

Girls will generally show more interest if you mention you’re staying in Poland for a while and have an interest in learning their language.

Approaching girls during the day is a must.

Polish men will go out of their way to cockblock the shit out of you. Furthermore the girls are too nice to tell them to fuck off, you must do this.

If your dance floor game is weak and you don’t speak polish your standard of girl will have to drop at least 2 points.

Buying a polish SIM card is a must if you want a follow up date.

Girls rarely dress like sluts. I believe Ludacris may have been speaking about polish girls when he said “I want a lady in the street, but a freak in the bed.”

Obesity is not an issue. Girls generally have great bodies, big boobs and nicely rounded asses.

Being nice to a Polish girl won’t be seen as weakness. Polish game is completely different to western game. Being cocky makes you look like an arsehole.

All the girls I’ve hooked up with since being in Poland have pulled away at least once when going for the kiss. Brushing it off and trying again a few minutes later has worked every single time.

Being German will not make it easier for you to get laid.

- Gavin Madden

What have I become?

The past 2 weeks have been a complete roller coaster. My final nights in Lagos proved to be incredibly frustrating and things I wanted to get done simply didn't. On my second last night I was drunk and ran into a past fling that I never managed to seal the deal with. She was a blonde Belgian with a tiny frame - maybe 45kgs. I have known her from a trip to Lagos 2 years ago and had always had the strange sexual desire to throw her into a wall and fuck her whilst she was stuck in the wall. 

When we bumped into each other I decided it was tonight she would be my little ragdoll. Unfortunately for me my cries for sex went unanswered and I resorted to telling her it was my last night in Lagos and that she had to spend the rest of the night with me. It was obvious to me that my drug intake had dramatically ruined my game and I became the needy guy that gets nowhere. The final night would pan out much the same; sloppy make out sessions and borderline sex on the dance floor. The night ended with me alone in the kitchen stealing food from my housemate’s fridge and eventually catching my bus out of Lagos at 7am.

My next stop would be Tomorrowland in Belgium. I can honestly say that although my drug intake ruined my chances of scoring pussy, it was the greatest 4 days of my life. The days and nights were loose and any drug under the sun was readily available. We had some random Israeli making deliveries each and every morning and the drugs were reasonably priced. 

Having been starved of sex for close to a week it was becoming very clear to me what the following week would do to my standards. I WOULD FUCK EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING THAT FELL INTO MY LAP. My standards were now out the door and knowing that my dick couldn't tell the different between hot vagina and ugly vagina helped me rationalise trying the fuck absolute mingers. 

It would be in Warsaw that I would come across an absolute slut of a woman. Hearing her fuck some dude in the hostel dorm room in the early hours of the morning provided me with some tentativeness when it came to making any type of move. I'd say she was a 5 at best, of Polish/German descent and tits that would collectively weigh the same as a reasonably sized dog. I spent the night on a pubcrawl with a few friends and I'd keep her at an arms length as a back up plan if I didn't pull at the club. The night would end with anal sex in the hostel bathroom.

- Gavin Madden