Kockblocked in Krakow

In a land where “No” literally means “Yes” you can see why it would be easy to get raped here. Walking the streets of Krakow during winter should be the 8^th wonder of the world. During the summer time it would seem most of the university students have gone on holidays elsewhere. That’s not to say Krakow wasn’t a pussy paradise for my travel buddies and I, but there is a fairly obvious contrast when comparing the two.

In winter the girls seem to warm to you as the ratio of tourist versus local is a lot lower. During the summer the clubs are teeming with vagina hungry sex tourists that are keen to smash local box. The local girls can sense this and an approach that would kick ass in winter would get turned down over and over again during the summer time.

My friends and I arrived in Krakow one week ago. They were incredibly eager to see whether the legends that I had so proudly told them were true. We arrived at the hostel and were greeted by a pretty receptionist by the name of Gosia, we would later learn that every single hostel staff member was quite attractive, so it would have been rude of us to turn down an offer to join them on their 'staff tram party'. 

“You’re in Poland, you should fuck me on a park bench” were the receptionist final words before James sunk his cock into her vagina. “My purse has been stolen” said Ania after Kev had fucked her stupid on a statue in the middle of an apparently dangerous park. “Fuck” was the word heard coming from both me and Simon’s mouths as the two other staff members disappeared from the party after an hour of solid make out sessions. So after a couple of days of gaming we had hooked up with 4 out of 5 staff members, but I wasn’t about to let the last one get away.

I spent the following day scheming as to how I was going to get my penis inside of her. I had two days before I left and she wasn’t working either of them so bending her over the front desk at 4am wasn’t really an option. I was to meet up with my long-term fuck buddy on my final night so that evening would have to do. 

She went by the name of ‘Iga’ and I she rarely went out, got drunk or flirted with hostel guest; my mission had taken a horrible turn for the worst. The hostel was full of dick, I would estimate that it was 10 to 1, so competing with the horny young males within the hostel would be another hurdle I would have to jump over, but I wasn’t about to give up this early into the piece.

The competition for her attention was fierce during pre-drinks so I decided it would be best for me to sit back and watch game-less males do their best to weasel their way into her panties. Every now and again I would catch her eye as if to say “Hey, I’m going to fuck the shit out of you”, this would continue for the next half an hour or so. I waited for her to get up to get a drink, GAME ON! I excused myself and followed her to the kitchen where I challenged her to a wrestling match after proudly announcing that I could “beat the shit out of her”. She obliged so I swiftly picked her up and carried her to the lobby where we sat closely on the couch, isolation complete. It was now a matter of teaching her a handshake and telling her how stupid she was for not being able to remember it.

I think it’s very important to note that most travellers don’t have game, they rely on being the ‘novelty guy’ all the local girls want to fuck, but when it comes to out gaming fellow travellers they are puzzled and give up early and move on.

By the midnight the pre-drinking crew decided to head out. Iga and I had been chatting in the lobby area for quite a while, so I told the others I would catch up with them at the bar in fifteen minutes. They had mentioned going to ‘Carpe Diem’ and as it turned out there were four Carpe Diems in Krakow, so as you could imagine I was finding it very hard to disguise my happiness when we turned up and no one was there.

I bought her a drink and we headed to the dance floor. Like most Polish girls she knew how to move her hips in a way that says “I really do know how to fuck”. I am in no way a dancer so I decided that following her lead would make it less obvious that I dance like I’ve just snorted 10 grams of ketamine. I decided it was time for the kiss, but just like every other polish girl she turned her head away, but kept dancing crotch to crotch.

The way I see it is if she wasn’t going to be eventually down for the kiss she would discontinue dancing and walk away, but they never do. The best advice I can give is to brush it off and try again later.

This is exactly what I did in this situation and it worked. Before I knew it we were ‘that couple’ in the club. Amazingly sloppy make out sessions and dry sex on the couches, yum.

After a few more drinks I could almost feel her juices flowing through her jeans so I simply got up and said “Let’s go”. We headed back to the hostel where much to my delight I was greeted by 6 drunken fuckwits wanting to cockblock the shit out of me. It was one of those situations where if they weren’t getting pussy they would do their best to make sure I didn’t either. I employed the ‘fuck off you stupid cunt’ stare and four of them got the hint and left. We were left with two random guys, one of them Polish, the other Kiwi. Even after me explicitly telling him he was being rude and should fuck off, the polish dude was fairly content on speaking nothing but Polish as to make sure I couldn’t be involved in the conversation. We spent the following 2 hours being followed around the hostel, cockblock complete. FUCK!

I will be returning to Krakow within the next 2 weeks to seal the deal.

- Gavin Madden