Saturday night bender in Wroclaw

Wroclaw is a city, which has a high percentage of students and it was because of this Lionel, Harry and I chose it as our next destination.

As I sit at my computer in the common room of my hostel I am mentally and psychically drained. Trying to seduce Polish girls with limited conversational English has tested both my patience and level of skill in the game of charades.

We had met some girls from Belarus two nights prior and they had recommended a party that, judging by the video on youtube, looked the goods.

I had managed to kiss the one of the Belarusians and had later found out through her facebook page that she had a boyfriend so I decided to ‘friend’ her and see if I couldn’t get her to introduce me to some of her friends.

Within 15 minutes of arriving at the club Harry had gotten close to a young looking polish girl and disappeared. He had mentioned earlier that due to his drought he was willing to bust a nut in anything with a vagina, so I presumed that was exactly what he was doing.

Meanwhile Lionel and I had made friends with a very pale, energetic Polish man who had decided that giving us free cocaine was a good idea. Every 45 minutes he would wave us into the toilet where we would share a cubicle and snort lines off a credit card he had kindly provided us with.

Ten minutes before the club closed I struck up a conversation with the most perfect looking girl in the entire establishment. She was a tall brunette with impeccable teeth and complexion. She had a way about her that made me want to quickly undress her and expose her holes to the midnight air, but doing this may have had me kicked out so I decided it’d be best to maintain a polite conversation. As it turned out she was working so I got her facebook and set my sights on the next venue.

We walked out into the daylight like a pack of talkative zombies. One of the Polish men we had quickly made friends with suggested a club that didn’t close to 11am and at the time it sounded like one of the greatest ideas of all time.

The club was dark and dingy with couches scattered throughout. Making eye contact with people seemed a little strange, but everyone seemed to be having a good time. We danced with a 76-year-old man who spoke no English and watched countless drug fucked men trying their luck at anything that remotely resembled a female.

After chatting with few Polish men for a few hours Lionel and I decided it would be best to leave. As we were saying our goodbyes we noticed two reasonably attractive girls sit down next to us. We would spend the next 3-hours struggling through conversation, but luckily they knew how to agree to letting us “sleep” at their apartment.

Ewalina was tall and skinny and did some modelling work as well as university. Bozena is comparison was wider set with gigantic breasts and a stereotypical Eastern European face. I wasn’t overly interested in Bozena and taking one for the team wasn’t something I am used to, but with the haze of alcohol and drugs clouding my judgement, I decided that she was bangable.

Ewalina had made it very clear that we all had to sleep in the same bed much to the delight of my penis. Our only hope was a fourgy or some type of awkward situation where one pair would try to ignore the fact that the other pair were exchanging litres of body fluid only centimetres away. Needless to say none of these scenarios became a reality.

Over the next 12 hours it became apparent that these girls were hooked on prescription medication and very paranoid about leaving either Lionel or I alone with one of them. After a visit from Bozena’s mother it turned out she was a doctor and also her drug supplier. Her mother was very nice, but judging by her alcohol consumption, she may have had an underlying alcohol problem.

We left the apartment on Monday afternoon with nothing more than a few make out sessions and some dry sex. I can thankfully confirm for you that this was due to their drug consumption because the following night I would bang Bozena with little resistance.

What happened to Lionel and Ewalina you ask? Lionel went back to the apartment and I haven’t heard from him in two days.  Fingers crossed he died from sex exhaustion.

- Gavin Madden