Settling down: My hell

‘Settling down’ definition: Allowing social norms to dictate the way you live your life. Opting for more responsibility, tie downs and routine. Buy a house, get a wife and have children not because you want to, but because society says it’s time to. Starve yourself of freedom until you’ve worked enough to live off your superannuation then, and only then, you are free to travel the world like you should have done in your youth.

Settling down can suck my dick!

Most people think they settle down because they want to settle down. I would argue that they settle down because they feel the clamps of society are tightening and must do responsible things now otherwise it’ll be too late. People settle down because they want stability and they want stability because they have a deep overwhelming fear that they’ll be in their 40’s and 50’s with nothing.

The life of a man who settles down too early 

18-19: Goes to Europe once on a Contiki tour (20 countries in 12 days)

20-21: His friends get girlfriends so he settles for some chick he met at his local pub just so he isn’t left out.

22-23: He moves in with his girlfriend and works hard to save enough money for a house because that’s what his parents told him to do.

24-25: He complains to his friends about his girlfriend, but out of fear he stays with his girlfriend because he feels that he can’t do any better.

26-27: He has a baby with his fiancé and struggles to pay the bills each week.

28-30: He has a full time job, 3 kids, a fat wife and a mortgage he’ll be paying off until he’s 55.

At 45 his wife cheats on him, but allows her to take half of everything because he's a pussy. 

Once his mortgage is paid off he goes overseas to try to claim back some of the youth he felt is owed to him.

The life of a man who doesn’t settle down 

18-19: Goes to Europe for a few months and develops a taste for freedom.

20-21: Acquires a girlfriend, but still continues to go out and socialise even if she doesn’t wish to because he doesn’t live by her rules.

22-23: Breaks up with his girlfriend whilst overseas because she continues to try to smother him with requests to stay in and ‘act his age’.

23-28: Avoids any tie downs i.e. house, loans, girlfriends and spends his time earning money to travel the world.

29-30: He finds a way to earn passive income through projects he works on in his spare time.

31-35: By this time he has travelled to over 50 countries and banged over 100 women.

The rest of his years are completely up to him. He has enough passive income to continue living the life he does or if his biological urges are strong enough to have children he can choose to. Not because of society's pressures, but because he feels everything he can do whilst youthful has been done.

The difference between the two men is fear. The ‘settler’ fears breaking the norm will not be welcomed by his peers. He fears not being good enough for anyone, so he chooses to stick with the first girl that was ever interested in him.

Fear forces him to map out his life 10 years at a time rather than day by day. 

The 'settler' makes his choices out of fear and nothing else.

I know which of the two I’m working towards.

- Gavin Madden

The virgin lesbian from Scotland

Walking the streets of Edinburgh it won’t take you long to notice that there are very few bangable women. If their masculine accent doesn’t deter you, their out of shape, pale bodies will. They seem to have a drinking culture similar to that of Australia where the girls will drink as many beers, if not more, than the average male would. The way groups of men surrounded the few attractive women was not unlike a herd of buffalo protecting their calves from potential predators. I decided that there had to be a way around this and I was keen to find out exactly what that was.

During my time in Edinburgh I worked in a large call centre about a half an hour bus ride from the city centre. I had made friends with a cute lesbian by the name of Rita. Rita was short, thin and, much to my displeasure, had hair shorter than mine, but as soon as she invited me to come to a gay bar with her something clicked.  The only guys surrounding hot women at gay bars are those in pursuit of cock. Why hadn’t I thought of this before?

“So are you gonna come?”

“Yes, yes I think I will.” I said, hoping that it would be as I had imagined; a free for all pussy paradise.

Within 10 minutes of being inside the club I had already gotten used to being pinched on the ass and witnessing more man on man action than a gay orgy porno. It seemed as if making eye contact was enough for a well-dressed man to approach you.

“If you don’t take a girl home tonight, you’re going to be having sex with me, okay?” Yelled Rita.

“Ummm okay” I replied struggling to hear her over what seemed like the entire Kylie Minogue album.

I knew Rita was a lesbian so I never thought about her sexually and although she was cute, I wasn’t prepared to have sex with her if I could find something more appealing.

Once we had shook hands to signify a ‘deal’ I noticed an attractive woman sitting nearby. Her hair was long and dark, her lips were red and she had more tattoos than I’d care to count. She was talking to a man that quite clearly favoured penis over vagina so without thinking I blurted out:

“Hey! If I find a boy for your friend to kiss I get to kiss you, okay?” I said with a stupid smirk on my face.

“Hmmm okay, go for it.” She replied

As I quickly scanned the room I was bumped into.

“Sorry!”

“That’s okay. Hey, do me a favour and kiss that guy.” I said, pointing over to couch.

He looked him up and down, making a quick assessment as he took a few steps toward the couch. With an outstretch his hand he gestured for him to come a little closer.

Their eye contact seem to last a lifetime as their mouths closed in on each other. As they kissed I looked over at the tattooed girl, shrugged my shoulders and flashed her a cheesy smile. As I sat down next to her she jumped on top of me and grinded as if our genitals were magnetized. We had become ‘that couple’ in the club within 2 minutes of meeting each other.

After a few hours of the most intense make out sessions of all time she decided that she needed to go home.

“I live one and half hours away so I have to leave now because I have work in the morning.” She said, seeming disappointed at the prospect of not having sex with me.

As she left Rita swooped in as if she was waiting for the tattooed girl to leave the entire time.

“I suppose you’re taking me home.”

“I suppose so.” I replied.

As we made our way back to apartment, which was conveniently located 10 minutes away, I remember thinking to myself, “So I’m about to fuck a virgin lesbian.” Through a drunken haze I quickly came to terms with the situation.

We made our way through the front door and entered my bedroom. She made a quick dash for my bed and started undressing as I developed an erection. We had been kissing for no more than 30 seconds when she whispered a sentence I had heard far too often, “I’ve got my period.”

Why would she offer me sex if she was on her period? Puzzling.

“That’s okay.” I replied, spreading her legs as my dick closed in on her odourless snatch.

“No, you can’t fuck me in my pussy.”

As I eased my cock inside of her ass I decided that fucking a lesbian virgin in her ass was better than no sex at all.

- Gavin Madden

The night I lost my virginity

The moment your penis enters a vagina for the first time your thirst for female flesh hits an all time high. You come crashing through a wall that solidifies you as more man than boy. You have more of an idea as to why men spend over 90% of their lives dedicated to having a pussy wrapped around their needy meat swords. For me my quest for a never ending supply of vagina began a little something like this…

It was the eve of my 17^th birthday and I had invited 15 of my closest friends to my dad’s house to get drunk. During my teenage years I had been very close to having sex on several occasions, but simply lacked the nerve to take control of a situation and give a girl the very thing they all deserve; a penis inside of them.

With no facial hair, muscle or height I was a very young looking teenager. I had a classic case of ‘class clown syndrome’ and fell somewhere in between the most popular and least popular kids within my school’s social hierarchy. By this time most of the cool kids had had sex and although I didn’t have a target in mind, a girl by the name of Jacinta did.

Jacinta was a tall, fair skinned brunette who I had been friends with ever since she joined my drama class and although we were good friends, hooking up with her never seemed to cross my mind. For Jacinta it would seem she had been thinking about it for some time.

The party at my dad’s was like any teenager’s party:

·      Get as drunk as possible.

·      Do stupid shit.

·      Brag about how drunk you are.

It seemed to be a relatively normal night until Jacinta mentioned that she “had a present for me.”

“What is it?” I replied.

“I can’t tell you here.”

I will admit that I was intrigued, but I would never of thought that the present she was about to give me was her vagina.

“Come with me.” She whispered as she took my hand, guiding me into my brother’s room, which was conveniently located away from where we had chosen to party for the night.

At this point I still had no idea as to what she had in store for me. I was hideously naïve to the point where I was still fairly confused when she turned the lights off and started to undress.

“What are you doing?”

“Are you ready for your present?” She said, trying to sound sexy.

“Umm, yes.” I replied as she sat on top of me and slowly guided my cock inside of her.

I remember trying to recall all the pornography I had ever watched and attempted to mimic their outstanding form. Even with an enormous amount of alcohol swimming through my veins I still seemed to have a million things running through my mind at once. Don’t cum too early! Don’t go soft! Am I doing this right? Should I blow on her face?

Suddenly the door swung open and the silhouette of my dad stood in the doorway. Needless to say I freaked the fuck out and made a run for the door leading to the balcony. For some reason I assumed I was in a lot of trouble so I left my cherry popper laying by herself in the dark. I would then leap from the balcony into my backyard and slip back into my bedroom window, which seemed like the only way to get out of confrontation from my dad. Although quite eager to inform my friends that I was now a man, I was to hide out in my room for the rest of the night like a little bitch.

The next morning I was informed that Jacinta had also fucked my best mate, Daniel, only moments after I did a runner. Oddly enough they have been together ever since.

- Gavin Madden