Being friends with gay men

Not only does befriending a gay man provide you with a great wingman, it will also give you VIP access to all his single girlfriends. During the winter of 2009 I had the pleasure of frequenting the gay bars of Edinburgh with my gay/straight colleagues. It would be on our very first outing that the following story took place.

If you have ever worked in any call centre in the western world it wouldn’t take you long to notice that at least 20% of the men are gay, but in my call centre it seemed as though it was more like 80%. To my left sat a smooth talking Jamaican (straight), to my right a 30 year old Scotsman (epicly gay), Brett sat in front of me (Straight…or so I thought) and a few rows away was Andrew, an openly gay 52 year old. 

Brett was tall, lanky and pale. We talked about nothing other than our love of the female form and the girls we had fucked in our spare time.

After a few weeks of getting to know everyone Andrew invited Brett and I to join a few of his friends to a local gay bar by the name of GHQ (Gay Headquarters). We obliged and later discussed it with my housemate, Daniel, who he agreed that it would be a good chance for us to prey on unsuspecting women.

Upon arriving at Andrew’s house for pre-drinks it became alarmingly apparent that we had walked into possibly the gayest living room on the planet. The house was perfectly furnished and impeccably clean. I have absolutely nothing against gay men (more women for me), but having Kylie Minogue’s greatest hits blaring and a sea of well dressed men eye fucking the shit out of you is enough to leave the most secure heterosexual feeling slightly uncomfortable.

During pre-drinks I happily put up with gay men trying their very best to flirt their way into my pants ass, but as you can see from the photo below, Brett seemed to be enjoying the male attention a little more than his fellow heterosexuals.

The night went as planned.

·      Flirt with gay men

·      Introduce myself to their cute girlfriends

·      Mentally high five myself for finding a club with no male competition

·      Kiss cute girl

After hanging out with her for a few hours she decided to go home, so I grabbed her phone number and arranged to meet her the following day in attempt to seal the deal. By this time it was about 3am and I was ready to go home and that was it, nothing weird happened, nothing out of the ordinary. Just a normal night out with a few straight guys and a bunch of gay men at a gay nightclub….or so it seemed.

The following Monday morning at work on my way to my desk I was waved over to Andrew’s desk. I was late into work so I decided it could wait, but judging by how wildly Andrew's arms were flailing it seemed as though it was urgent.

“Hey, good night Saturday night.”

“Yes, it was wasn’t it.” He replied with a smile on his face.

I immediately knew something was up.

“Anything of note happen after I left?”

“Ummm, have you seen Brett today? He’s not at his desk.” He said looking over at Brett’s empty seat.

“I’m not sure, I haven’t heard from him since Saturday night. Why?”

“Oh, I fucked him.” He blurted out trying to keep a straight face.

An image of a 52 year old man going to town on a 19 year old's asshole instantly entered my mind. Tingles of disgust were sent through my finger tips, down through my hips and to the tips of my toes. The straightest boy in the entire call centre had had his ass pounded by my beyond middle-aged gay friend.

I reacted the only way I knew how; laugh hysterically and dish out high fives.

Brett quit his job and deleted everyone from the call centre off facebook and from what I'm told he popped around for round two a few weeks later.

My lesson from this would be to by all means frequent gay clubs to pick up women, but don’t get so drunk that your judgment is skewed enough to agree to sex with men...unless you actually want to fuck men to which I would say...

"Fuck yeah, you go get that dick!"

- Gavin Madden

10 signs that a girl will fuck you

1. She says things like "You can come over, but I'm not having sex with you". 

2. She over uses smiley faces and exclamation marks when messaging you. 

3. She accuses you of being a 'player'. 

4. She's never on her iPhone when talking to you face to face. 

5. She tries to convince you that 'she's not like all the other girls'. 

6. She thinks that coming to sit next to you on your bed to watch YouTube videos is a great idea. She agrees that all the videos you choose to watch are absolutely fucking awesome. 

7. She takes 'selfies' of herself with ridiculous amounts of cleavage with the title "Bored". 

8. She purposely eats dick shaped food in front of you. 

9. You think tribal tattoos, crystal meth and starting fights are great and she agrees. 

10. She complains to her friends that you're an asshole. 

- Gavin Madden

Taking one for your dick

The night is coming to an end, your dick pre-warned you that no matter what he needed to be in a vagina by the end of the night. Your plan to fuck a super model has fallen through and all the attractive girls have either been snapped up or have gone home. The only girls left are 6’s or below. Your head says “Let’s get the fuck outta here!”, but your dick says, “C’mon man, you promised me pussy tonight. I don’t care what the girl looks like, I’m not leaving without it!” You take a deep breath and finish the rest of your drink, it’s time to take one for the team your dick.

It was 2am and I left was left at the bar with one of my good friends, Rita. I had had no luck with any of the girls I had approached and with a belly full of alcohol and testosterone pumping through my veins, I scanned the outdoor area for a passable female to pounce on.

“Hey, I like your hair.”

My attention quickly moved from scanning the bar to the girls sitting next to me.

“Thanks” I replied, quickly analysing the pair as I poured myself another beer from my jug.

“Where are you guys from? You don’t sound like you’re from here.”

“I’m from Norway and my cousin is from Denmark.” She replied in an Americanised accent.

She was cute, well dressed, had a huge pair of tits, but by no means the quality of woman I had imagined fucking in the first week back from pillaging the girls of eastern Europe. Rita was giving me the same ‘Here we go again’ look as if to know exactly what was going on in my head. She knew the signs all too well; I was going to fuck the Norwegian, not because I wanted to, but because my dick demanded vagina.

After no more than 20 minutes of meaningless conversation the bar was beginning to empty out.

“My cousin is going home, but she lives at someone else’s house. Can you walk me home?”

“Okay” I said, without an ounce of hesitation in my voice.

As we stood up I noticed that she was a lot slimmer than I had originally thought. Having such massive breasts it’s only human for me to assume that the rest of her body would be in proportion, but this thankfully was not the case.

As we left the bar I decided it would be the best for me to kiss her just to remind her I wasn’t going to be her friend on the walk home. I wanted to make sure she knew I was an annoying little sex pest that wasn’t going home without anything less than a blowjob.

“I think she got the idea” I remember thinking as she unzipped my jeans and wrapped her hands around my cock. As she got on her knees and put my cock halfway down her throat I took a moment to look around and take in the scenery. We were in the middle of lit up street only metres away from a set of units and a children’s playground.

A public blowjob was not on my bucket-list, but her cock sucking skills were of such a high standard that I wouldn’t have cared if a group of seventy-year-old men were watching us through a nearby window.

I could feel myself about to cum, but I didn’t want to blow until I had fucked the Norwegian. Before I could tell her to stop she got up off her knees and started jogging towards the Children’s playground. She had stopped blowing me at the perfect time. It was as if she had a sixth sense and that sixth sense was knowing that semen was coming.

I followed her across the road and into the playground with my cock still flopped out of my zipper. She began to unzip her jeans as she unclipped her bra.

“I want you to fuck me on the slide.” She said as she pulled me down between her legs.

Fucking girls in playgrounds is something that should be happening on the way home from a house party as a teenager or when you’re backpacking in Europe. It shouldn’t be happening as a 26 year old in your hometown. It’s amazing what situations your dick will get you in, but just think of how much less fun you’d have if you masturbated before you went out.

- Gavin Madden