Being friends with gay men

Not only does befriending a gay man provide you with a great wingman, it will also give you VIP access to all his single girlfriends. During the winter of 2009 I had the pleasure of frequenting the gay bars of Edinburgh with my gay/straight colleagues. It would be on our very first outing that the following story took place.

If you have ever worked in any call centre in the western world it wouldn’t take you long to notice that at least 20% of the men are gay, but in my call centre it seemed as though it was more like 80%. To my left sat a smooth talking Jamaican (straight), to my right a 30 year old Scotsman (epicly gay), Brett sat in front of me (Straight…or so I thought) and a few rows away was Andrew, an openly gay 52 year old. 

Brett was tall, lanky and pale. We talked about nothing other than our love of the female form and the girls we had fucked in our spare time.

After a few weeks of getting to know everyone Andrew invited Brett and I to join a few of his friends to a local gay bar by the name of GHQ (Gay Headquarters). We obliged and later discussed it with my housemate, Daniel, who he agreed that it would be a good chance for us to prey on unsuspecting women.

Upon arriving at Andrew’s house for pre-drinks it became alarmingly apparent that we had walked into possibly the gayest living room on the planet. The house was perfectly furnished and impeccably clean. I have absolutely nothing against gay men (more women for me), but having Kylie Minogue’s greatest hits blaring and a sea of well dressed men eye fucking the shit out of you is enough to leave the most secure heterosexual feeling slightly uncomfortable.

During pre-drinks I happily put up with gay men trying their very best to flirt their way into my pants ass, but as you can see from the photo below, Brett seemed to be enjoying the male attention a little more than his fellow heterosexuals.

The night went as planned.

·      Flirt with gay men

·      Introduce myself to their cute girlfriends

·      Mentally high five myself for finding a club with no male competition

·      Kiss cute girl

After hanging out with her for a few hours she decided to go home, so I grabbed her phone number and arranged to meet her the following day in attempt to seal the deal. By this time it was about 3am and I was ready to go home and that was it, nothing weird happened, nothing out of the ordinary. Just a normal night out with a few straight guys and a bunch of gay men at a gay nightclub….or so it seemed.

The following Monday morning at work on my way to my desk I was waved over to Andrew’s desk. I was late into work so I decided it could wait, but judging by how wildly Andrew's arms were flailing it seemed as though it was urgent.

“Hey, good night Saturday night.”

“Yes, it was wasn’t it.” He replied with a smile on his face.

I immediately knew something was up.

“Anything of note happen after I left?”

“Ummm, have you seen Brett today? He’s not at his desk.” He said looking over at Brett’s empty seat.

“I’m not sure, I haven’t heard from him since Saturday night. Why?”

“Oh, I fucked him.” He blurted out trying to keep a straight face.

An image of a 52 year old man going to town on a 19 year old's asshole instantly entered my mind. Tingles of disgust were sent through my finger tips, down through my hips and to the tips of my toes. The straightest boy in the entire call centre had had his ass pounded by my beyond middle-aged gay friend.

I reacted the only way I knew how; laugh hysterically and dish out high fives.

Brett quit his job and deleted everyone from the call centre off facebook and from what I'm told he popped around for round two a few weeks later.

My lesson from this would be to by all means frequent gay clubs to pick up women, but don’t get so drunk that your judgment is skewed enough to agree to sex with men...unless you actually want to fuck men to which I would say...

"Fuck yeah, you go get that dick!"

- Gavin Madden