The Canadians With Game.

“What are we doing today?” I said to Jack as I sat up in my bed. It was 11am sometime during the week in June 2009 and Jack and I were in Berlin. We had arrived to an empty hostel dorm room at 1am after a lengthy train ride from Munich.

“Food” he replied half yawning whilst struggling to open his eyes.

My relationship with my long time girlfriend had recently ended and I was enjoying my first taste of freedom. The past 3 years of treating girls as if they didn’t have vaginas had taken its toll on my game. I had ‘friend zoned’ any girl I had come in contact with during my relationship so turning any interaction sexual was something I would have to start doing immediately. New vagina was the antidote needed for the ‘years of seeing only one vagina virus’ I contracted during my early 20’s so I was hoping Berlin would rid of me of the seemingly incurable.

After showering (separately) we made our way downstairs to have a cigarette. The hostel was by far the biggest I’d ever visited and with nearly 900 beds it wasn’t going to be hard to find a suitable girl to lure back to my dorm room.

As we chatted and practiced blowing smoke-rings I noticed two girls standing 20 metres away staring at us. It was hard to make out their level of attractiveness from a distance, but it was obvious they were talking about us. Before I had the chance to say anything to Jack, the shorter girl began to walk in our direction.

“Hey guys, what you up to?” She said in what sounded like an American accent.

“Not a whole lot. We just woke up so we’re trying to figure out what we want to do today.” I replied

“Okay, well want to come to lunch with us?”

“Okay.” I said as the taller blonde made her way closer.

I was impressed by their confidence. They had seen an opportunity and taken it. 

These girls had game.

Katie was tall and blonde with fair skin and seemed to wear no make-up other than a whole heap of mascara. She wore cut off jeans, a loosely fit singlet and black Dr. Martin boots; a 7 overall.

Eve had long brown hair down to the mid section of her back. She wore a white flower behind her ear and was as tanned as any white person could possibly be. I’m a big fan of a girl with a tan so I gave her a solid 7.5.

Over lunch we had discovered they were both from Toronto in Canada and extremely talkative. Eve was like a kid with ADHD who had gone without medication for years, whilst Katie, although softly spoken, seemed to like being in control of the conversation.

“So what do you guys think about drugs?” Eve said quickly changing the subject from a ‘get to know you session’ to something slightly more interesting.

I glanced over to Jack who was displaying a cheeky smirk on his face.

“Ummm what kind of drugs are you talking about?” I replied.

“We have some mushrooms, but we have too much. Do you guys want to do some?”

“When?” Jacks said almost before Eve could finish her sentence.

“Right now?”

They're cute. They approach us. We hang out. They offer us free drugs.

Could these of been the most perfect girls to have ever set foot on this planet?

All that was left was the sex, but that was going to prove difficult whilst trippin’ balls.

Katie split the dried mushrooms into four piles as Jack, Eve and I kept a look out for anyone that could potentially arrest us. Although mushrooms aren’t exactly a hardcore drug, we were in a foreign country and looking up the local punishment for possession of mushrooms wasn’t something we cared to do.

We decided that a rooftop garden would provide us with the ideal environment to fully enjoy the experience. We spent the next 5 hours fascinated by simple things like clouds, leaves, fingers and feet. For anyone who has had the pleasure of a mushroom trip you would agree that kissing girls isn’t exactly something that is overly important when you’re surrounded by more important things like trees.

It was when the mushrooms began to wear off that the ‘game’ portion of my brain began to take control once again. We were on our way home and I had decided to slow my walking down as I talked to Katie in an attempt to separate our group into two. By the time we had made it back to the hostel Jay and Eve had gotten into the lift and were on their way back to the room…or so I thought.

Katie and I continue our meaningless conversation as we caught the lift up to my empty dorm room; Jay and Eve had disappeared. Although the peak was long gone, the mushrooms were still providing me with visual hallucinations and a slightly altered state of mind.

“Oh they must have gone to our room.” Remarked Katie as she slowly laid back onto my bed.

“I suppose so” I replied as I made my way over to my bed and laid close enough for her to know I wasn’t going to be ‘friend zoned’.

As I looked up at wooden supports on the bottom of the top bunk I became distracted by the grain in the wood continually growing and retracting; I was still high.

I decided, high or not, I was going to try for sex with Katie so I rolled over and kissed her. It was on.

She was quick to grab a fistful of my hair and grind her groin against my leg , it wasn’t long before we were completely naked. Looking down at my morphed penis entering a swirling vagina hole was one of the weirdest sexual experiences of my life.

I woke up in the morning to an empty bed. She had gone.

Within five minutes of waking up Jay excitedly entered the dorm room.

“Duuuuuuude, I fucked her on the bathroom floor. My dick looked so weird!”

- Gavin Madden