“You’re an asshole!”

The sun had set and another night in Lagos had begun. I had almost out stayed my welcome in the small surf town on the south coast of Portugal, but I was keen to soldier on until the very end of the summer. The amount of alcohol I had consumed in this town would most likely be more than most people drink in their entire lives and although I had money to buy food, my body simply rejected anything more than one meal per day. I was an absolute train wreck.

During the summer of 2010 and I had been living with up to twenty people at once so anything/anyone that was done in the house was never kept a secret. My friend Dean was the local cocaine dealer in Lagos and he happened to sleep on a bunk bed in my room, which sounds great on paper, but it ultimately led me to a minor cocaine addiction. One night Dean convinced me that snorting a line off of the house’s communal guitar would cure my food poisoning. Lesson learned.

During this particular night I had been kissing a young English girl. She was a short brunette with an attitude problem. She was cute, but I could only put up with her shit for a certain amount of time before her attitude got in the way of her perfectly formed body. Having to hear her bitch about how “slutty the girls are in Lagos” and how she “didn’t need to get drunk to have fun” made me want to vomit on my cock and slap her in the face with it.

I had met her in the bar I worked at whilst standing out the front. An hour before I finished I asked her to meet me at a bar called in ‘Inside Out’ just a few minutes walk away, but at this point I had no clue how utterly irritating this women was.

It was 2.30am and I had only been at Inside Out for half an hour. “Should I just take her home and fuck her? I wonder if she would irritate me even while I’m fucking her.” I remember thinking to myself. The club was known for reaching temperatures of what seemed like 50 degrees Celsius so I decided to go outside to get some fresh air and think about what my next move would be.

The pros would be that I could fuck her. She was young and hot and would most likely ride my cock like a seasoned pro, but the very thought of having to spend another second listening to her made my cock as soft as warm butter. I sat outside on the footpath for almost 10 minutes before my train of thought was interrupted…

“You’re an asshole!”

I quickly looked up to see a girl standing over me with a look of disgust on her face.

“What?” I replied completely confused.

“You’re such a fucking asshole. I can’t believe you!” She screamed in an English accent.

“Who are you and what have I done?”

Had I been so drunk and high over the past few nights that I had trouble remembering being such an asshole to a pretty blonde girl?

“You and I kissed on the chair inside this bar earlier tonight.” she said whilst taking a seat next to me. I could hear in her voice that she had begun to settle down.

“No we didn’t” I replied knowing that I had been at work the entire night in a completely different bar.

“See this is why you’re an asshole. We kissed for like an hour on the chairs inside and now your just blowing me off like it never happened.”

She was upset and very attractive. The girl I had been hooking up with all night was waiting for me inside so I did what any cum filled testicle owner would do.

“Oh, actually now I remember, I’m really sorry.” I said as I leant in to kiss her.

“Hey, girl!”

We stopped kissing and looked up to see three of her friends. She had apparently disappeared for an hour looking for a guy that, I would imagine, looked quite similar to me.

“You found him!” They squealed.

“Yeah, he tried to make it seem as though he didn’t remember me.”

“I’m just a little drunk. I remember now.” I said with a smile on my face. These girls were either off their faces, dumb as fuck or a combination of the two.

“I’ll make it up to you by letting you sleep in my bed tonight.” I whispered to her.

She flashed me a smile and squeezed my hand in appreciation.

It would seem as though my general aloofness and genuine confusion had made her pussy drip.

“I’m going to look after your friend tonight.” I announced to her friends.

“Treat her well though, okay?” warned her tallest friend as they walked off back in the sea of drunken partygoers. 

We were in my house no more than 15 minutes later. We tore each other clothes off and I ravaged her like a drunken prehistoric caveman.

With my sheets caked in squirt juice she left the house and made her way home. On her way out I had invited Dean to have a look at the puddle she had kindly left on my bed.

“Nice squirt puddle!” He screamed out the window as she walked out the front door.

- Gavin Madden