The night I got my Ukrainian Flag

After three hookups with no bangs I have finally captured my Ukrainian flag.  I still standby my thoughts on decent Ukrainian girls not being easy, however it would seem this girl would come as a small exception.

The night before Lionel and I had managed to kiss two girls he had met on the beach in Varna. They were Kiev locals and agreed to be our tour guides and had kindly shown us around the city. We arranged to meet them the following night at a bar within a 10-minute walk of our hostel. We planned to invite them back to watch a movie on the hostel’s projector after we got a little boozy.

Lionel and I arrived at the bar after consuming half a bottle of vodka each. We met the girls out the front and after talking to them for a bit, but their vibe was noticeably different and it was obvious we were a lot drunker than they were. There was a moment of Patrick Bateman style panic when I realised what needed to be done. I turned to Lionel, looked him in the eye and said “If we don’t hook up with these girls within the next five minutes we must ditch them”. It was a Saturday night, the club was teeming with hotties and I wasn’t prepared to hang out with girls who weren’t partying as hard as us.

Five-minutes passed and it was time to ditch the girls who had shown us around the city the day beforehand for the chance at Ukrainian glory. We made our way through a sea of bangable women and stereotypical ugly Ukrainian men to the other side of the bar and within minutes we had made some new friends.

Tanya was around 160cm and weighed no more than 40kgs, Her hair, which she had recently cut short, was dyed ice blonde. Her English was fortunately very good and she had a certain sexuality about her when she spoke that made me want to rip her clothes off and fuck her to within an inch of her life right there on the dance floor. I decided that she probably wouldn’t be down for that, so I patiently waited.

During a trip to the bathroom Lionel I and had got stuck in a conversation with a man that looked like a homeless pedophile. He had come to the club alone and was obviously looking to find a group to leach off. I was fairly polite to begin with, but I didn’t want a sweaty middle-aged man ruining my game, so I had no choice but to ignore him for the rest of the night.

After half an hour of dancing and talking Tanya’s friend gave me a look as if to say, “You’re cool, do whatever you want to my friend”, so I pulled Tanya in and kissed her; it was on! She was a fairly fast paced kisser so I had to slow it down a notch or two because my tongue seemed low on energy.

At this point the girls we had originally come to the bar with came over to Lionel and I to say goodbye. It was as awkward as walking in on your sister masturbating.

Lionel had spent a good deal of time trying his luck with a 9. She seemed quite responsive, but her friends, who looked bored as fuck, seemed to be weighing her down. Meanwhile Tanya’s friend (A 5 face, but a 9 body) was being a third wheel, so I asked Lionel do to what any good friend would do and take one for the team.

He quickly pounced and that was my green light to get the girls back to our hostel. They showed little resistance which, judging by past experience, seemed strange for Ukrainians.

Once back at the hostel we all decided to head out the front for a cigarette. We all chatted for a while about our obvious cultural differences and how Lionel and I look very similar. Tanya asked me to follow her around the corner because she wanted to “show me something”. I suddenly had an instant erection. As I pressed her up against the wall I noticed that she had already pulled her pants down around her ankles. I followed suit and proceeded to bend her over in full view of the adjacent apartments.

After blowing my load all over her back we decided it would be best to join Lionel and co. back in our hostel. Upon our arrival we heard Lionel and his girl making out in the kitchen so we headed to the common room and made a makeshift bed out of two beanbags. Tanya seemed ready for more as we ate each other’s faces and she jerked me off so I lead her to one of the hostel’s many toilets and this is where this story gets kind of messy.

I bent her over in the very same fashion as I did outside the front of our hostel only this time her vagina seemed to be a lot looser. Upon closer inspection it would seem that my cock was three quarters of the way up her ass. I suspected that she had taken one two many poundings and her asshole had become possibly doubly as loose as her pussy.

I decided to let it slide and pound away as I usually would, but something was off, the smell of the bathroom was a little pungent. I didn’t want to look down as I may see something that would make me spew. As I fucked her, the very thought of anything remotely brown seeping out of her ass made me dry wrench, but that wouldn’t stop me. I continued to treat her loose ass like a slut whilst choking up pieces of what I had eaten for dinner that night. After five or so minutes the smell became overwhelming, I had no choice I had to look down.

What I saw was shit smeared all over her ass and onto my cock. I dry wrenched some more as she sat on the toilet and wiped herself with a piece of toilet paper. I left the toilet in disgust and went back to join Lionel and his girl. I mouthed to Lionel “There was shit everywhere” and he had a bit of a chuckle.

I would fuck Tanya again in the kitchen 30 minutes later, but images of what happened in that bathroom came flashing back and made my orgasm just that little bit less satisfying.

Would I trade my first Ukrainian experience for normal sex in a bed without the shit? Surprisingly, No.

- Gavin Madden

The importance of logistics

My recent experience in L’viv, Ukraine, has proven everything I’ve learnt about the importance of good logistics to be true. You may have the tightest game in the world, but with an apartment that’s too far away or a hostel that doesn’t allow guests, your nights will become frustratingly sexless.  The only exception to this would be to find a quality girl that’s happy to fuck you in an alleyway, but this behaviour is most common amongst fat and/or ugly girls.

I believe one of the most common mistakes made by men is assuming that logistical problems will work themselves out and that if you can’t supply the bed she will happily invite you around to stay the night.  This may happen after a few dates, but rarely when trying for a one-night-stand. It was this exact behaviour that would lead Lionel and I to a horribly frustrating night with our first hook-ups in Ukraine.

Julia was a tall, slim Red head with a ghetto booty and would moan mid make out session to let you know you were doing a good job.  Penelope was shorter and quieter, but alcohol would turn her into a sex fiend with an appetite for cock.

We had organised to meet them at a local S&M bar for drinks. Earlier in the night Lionel and I had briefly discussed sneaking the girls back into our hostel dorm rooms, but doing this would prove to be difficult. Julia had come to out with an attitude problem and Penelope was noticeably drunker and hornier much to the delight of Lionel.

After receiving a few lashing from the waitress, Julia was making it very obvious that she was wanting to go home. Penelope, who by this time was slurring her words and sitting on Lionel’s lap, wanted nothing more but to be riding Lionel’s penis like a well trained jockey.

During the walk home Lionel had convinced Penelope to come back to the hostel to “sleep”, but Julia seemed hell-bent on idea that going home would be a better option. The girls would argue in Ukrainian for the next few minutes I would say it would’ve roughly translated to this:

Penelope: “I wouldn’t mind rimming Lionel tonight, but you’re being a bitch! Can we please just go back to their hostel?”

Julia: “I don’t want cock as much as you want cock so we’re both not having cock, you’re coming home with me!”

Penelope: “But I haven’t had any cock in 24 hours and I need my fix!”

Julia: "No Penelope, you’ll just have to wait until I need cock, then you may have cock also!”

Penelope: “Bitch!”

Julie: “Slut!”

Penelope: “Okay we’ll go back their hostel, but only to sleep”

Julie: “Yes….sleep”

The girls would walk us up to our hostel where Lionel and I would isolate the girls and have passionate make out sessions. The receptionists were usually asleep on the couches by this time, but for some reason we were greeted by a plump lady as soon as we opened the door. She politely refused them entry and we were stuck in the doorway with two attractive, willing Ukrainian women with no place to fuck.

It was at this point it dawned on me that we were complete fuck wits. Why didn’t we plan for this? This may have been our only chance to fuck these girls and we didn’t plan to have a bed?

The girls scampered back down the stares. Julia and I made out a little more just inside the front door as Lionel was doing his best to convince Penelope to sneak him in to her parent’s house. The girls made an exit and we were left with rock hard penises that we had tucked under our belts.

The moral of this story is clear: Always have a bed handy to plow a girl in. Whether it be day or night, it’s in your penis’ best interest.

- Gavin Madden

What not to do when trying to improve your standards.

Upon arriving to Eastern Europe the women were noticeably hotter, however my standards have not necessarily improved. I set myself an objective and it was to aim for nothing less than an 8, but unfortunately I have been left visually unsatisfied with the women I have been dipping my penis into.

I returned to Krakow to not only pick up my replacement bankcards, but to also seal the deal with the Polish girl I had hooked up with 3 weeks beforehand. She had been sending me messages via facebook saying that she would like me to visit her family in Wroclaw, but I wasn’t about to give her the idea that I wanted to be her boyfriend so I politely declined the offer and suggested we “just see how things go”. When making this decision I was in two minds, would her panties drop faster if she thought we were heading toward a relationship? Or would I be better off dodging the questions and making it obvious I was just in it for the sex? For some unknown reason I went with the latter.

We had been making out behind the reception desk for the first few nights, but trying to escalate whilst she was supposed to be working seemed completely out of the question. I decided that it would be best to question her cooking ability and fish for an invite to her house. I figured that her dinner table would be at most 10 metres from her bedroom so logistically it was much easier than any other situation I had been in with her before. She took the bait and an invite quickly followed.

She shared her house with two other people, one of whom slept in a bed only metres from hers and the only privacy was a curtain that covered around half the doorway. The thought of me banging away whilst her roommate had no other choice but to listen was fairly awesome, however it dramatically decreased my chances of sealing the deal if she wasn’t keen on putting on a show.

The night had quickly turned from dinner to vodka, and as alcohol is the number one sex drug of all time, it was exactly the direction I was hoping for it to go. After a few hours of solid drinking it was time for everyone to leave. I had tried to kiss the Polish girl earlier in the night, but I had received a head turn on each attempt so I was unsure where I stood. I assumed she was just playing hard to get so I brushed it off and didn’t become frustrated.

The Polish girl’s friend seemed to have taken a liking to Lionel so he ended up weaseling his way into her bed the only way he knows how; by not taking no for an answer. As I lay in the Polish girl’s bed waiting for her to return from the shower, I heard every objection that could possibly come from a girl’s mouth. Her resistance was no match for Lionel’s objection handling skills and I was stuck listening to the soothing sounds of a plump little polish girl’s moans.

The Polish girl would return from the shower just as the moans had stopped and the snoring had begun. The challenge was set: Get a timid girl horny to the sounds of Lionel snoring with her roommate wide-awake only metres away. This unfortunately would prove too difficult of a task and I would go to sleep with a face covered in pussy juice and testicles filled to the brim.

The following night we would be forced out of the hostel because a school group had made a group booking. This would now allow me to bring a girl back to the hostel without the risk of it getting back to my polish girl. After four nights of nothing but kissing and meaningless foreplay, I was once again out to fuck anything. I would hook myself a minger and take all my sexual frustration out on her vagina. 

My top  3 quotes from her lips to my ears mid-bang were as follows:

“Australian guys are the best!”

“Fuck it! Fuck it! Fuck it!”

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH MY FUCKING GGGGGGODDDD!”

I however would receive no validation from this and am still without doubt needing to improve my standards.

- Gavin Madden