Sexual Encounters With Colleagues

There are some that avoid it, some that thrive on it and some that simply don't give a fuck, but for most, the thought of having to show up to work the morning after a sexual encounter with a colleague is enough to turn you off completely.

I for one enjoy awkward office situations, especially those of a sexual variety. It takes my mind off monotonous office work and creates a vibe within the work place similar to that of a high-school locker room.

“I’m trying to do this in the least slutty way possibly, but do you know anyone that would be up for ‘no strings attached' sex?”

A text message lit up the screen of my phone sitting in it’s usually spot next to the keyboard on my desk.

It was from Maddie. It was obvious that she was too embarrassed to ask me face to face as she had resorted to messaging me from across the room. Maddie was a tall skinny brunette that I had been friends with for the past couple of months. She was around 5’8’’ with fair skin and dark features thanks to her Portuguese father. Her sizable rack contrast well against her (Australian) size 6 frame and up until now the thought of having sex with her had only been a minor part of my day to day activities.

I naturally weighed up the pros and cons of the situation. What if something horrible happened and I am the office joke until I leave in September? What if I cum too quickly and she tells every single other bangable girl in the office? What if I can’t get it up and my nickname becomes ‘Mr floppy cock’ within the work place? This ridiculous thought process is something all men have to deal with thanks to their cavemen ancestors. Prehistoric man would only have a few women to choose from and these very problems were a real threat to their masculinity and survival due to the fact that they would most likely be around the same group of women their entire lives. The problem with this is that biologically humans are built the same way they were thousands of years ago and most of our anxieties are completely irrational due to our surroundings evolving faster than our bodies can. 

Do you ever wonder why you have that fear inside of you that tells you that approaching that hottie in the club will result in every single person turning around to laugh at you? It’s because thousands of years ago making an unsuccessful pass at one of the tribeswomen would mean having to live with that embarrassment for the rest your short life. Nowadays you can just turn around, laugh it off and most likely never see her again.

“Me” I replied without hesitation. A small amount of anxiety entered my mind, but I knew too well that responding to it in a negative and irrational way would lead me to nothing but masturbation. We exchanged a few more texts and I eventually received an invitation to her house later that evening.

When considering a ‘no strings attached’ fling with a colleague it is 

important to observe the following as to avoid dangerous repercussions.

Is she the clingy type?  - AVOID CLINGLY COLLEAGUES!

Is she the type to kiss and tell? This could potentially ruin future bangs with other work colleagues.

Is she good friends with your boss? If you fuck her over you could be left unemployed.

                

After gathering my belongings I made my way to a friend’s apartment before catching a train in the direction of Maddie’s house. During a toilet visit I had noticed my cock had been fairly battered from the previous night of sex with an old fling, so I would have to start off gently as the skin on the outside of my penis was noticeably tender.

“Do you want to eat some ice-cream?” She squealed as I entered the house.

“If it’s from inside your vagina!” I remember thinking to myself as I politely declined her offer.

As I watched Maddie and her unaesthetically pleasing housemate eat the entire bucket of ice-cream I began to question my reasoning behind finding Maddie attractive, but I soon came up with a list of five.

• Her box gap was incredible.
• She gave head like a pro.
• She was light enough to throw around like a ragdoll.
• She screamed so loud that if you didn’t know any better you would of thought I was stabbing her to death (I almost did with my dick).
• She gave me free ‘post bang cigarettes’.

We would wake up in the middle of the night to bang again and walk to work in morning as if nothing had happened. Perfect.

 - Gavin Madden

Single Mothers

They have forever been one of the most easily accessible types of women on the planet. As it stands women are already relentlessly emotional beings, but adding a baby and a breakup into the mix will push a woman's rational thought even further from their mind, as their biological urges to find a provider for their offspring takes a strangle hold on their day to day activities. With bodies that are tired, bank accounts that are empty and an emotional need for a replacement father, it's no surprise that whenever the term "single mother" is uttered the thought of 'easy sex' forcefully enters a male's mind.

My most recent run-in with a single mother was just 6 days ago and I have decided that I should take some advice from my readers as to how to best handle the situation.

The night would begin with a few innocent drinks at my brother’s house. Jayden, my brother and I were due at a friend’s birthday party in the city and as we are currently saving money for South America in September, we had no other option but to drink as much as we could before we headed out.

“Hey, how are you? My name is Tegan.”

My sister had invited one of her friends over for an hour or so for a chat as she had just unexpectedly lost her job. Tegan was one of the few of my sister’s friends that I had never met. She was short, with an extremely large set of breast implants. Her personality was overwhelmingly bubbly; the kind of person that always had something to talk about.

We all sat talking for a while as her two children restlessly explored the house. I thought nothing of how naturally touchy she was, as she seemed to be overly hands on with my sister also. At no stage within the first hour of Tegan arriving did the thought of fucking her run through my mind. As with all of my sister’s friends, there was a friendly vibe beaming back and forth between us, but in no way was there ever an undercurrent of sexual intent… until it happened. The look a woman would give you if you possessed the only penis left on the planet and she hadn’t had a good dicking in decades. The look a woman would give you if she heard that you had given ten orgasms to every girl you’d ever slept with. The look a woman would give you if your cock was made from solid gold and could cure cancer.

I had played with her kids and made them laugh; an area of fatherhood that their father apparently needed to work on. I recognised the look of desire in her face almost immediately and panicked for the reasons listed below.

• My sister had warned me that Tegan had had a psychopath ex-boyfriend that she was still on and off with.

• If I fucked her and my sister found out she would possibly kick me out of her house.
• I couldn’t completely ignore after we have had sex because, like most single mothers, they are emotionally fragile when I comes to men brushing them off once bodily fluids had been exchanged. This would then affect her relationship with my sister. 

The problem with most sexual encounters is that if you actually sat down and rationalised the situation before you had sex you’d most likely never get laid.

After my sister, my brother and Jayden had decided to have a cigarette outside Tegan and I were suddenly alone. Before I could try to fill the awkward sexual silence with a word of conversation I was forcefully pushed down onto the couch as she dug her knees firmly into my hips, straddling me like a seasoned cowgirl. After briefly gazing into my eyes she unleashed ten seconds of passionate make out session onto my face. I pushed her off in an attempt to take in the situation.

“Do you want to go into one of the rooms really quickly and have some fun?” She said as she bit her bottom lip like an amateur porn-star trying to look sexy.

“…but everyone is just outside and I have to leave in 20 minutes.” I quickly replied. The cons of this sexual encounter far outweighed the pros so at this point in time I was happy to deny her my penis.

I have since been in contact with her, but I’m a little tentative as to whether to meet up with her again. Should I fuck my sister’s psychopath-ex-boyfriend-single-mother friend? 

Have your say in the comments section below.

 - Gavin Madden

A Night Out In Melbourne

Melbourne in one sentence: The most expensive city I've ever been to, but the nightclubs, bars and girls are enough for you to temporarily forget about the money you're spending.

A pint of beer: $8-$12

Cocaine: $300-$350 per gram (forget about it)

My average cost per night out: $150-$300

Must see club: Revolver - Friday/Saturday night/Sunday morning.

Like most large western cities the 'live for the weekend' mentality has run rampant so expect the clubs and bars to be packed regardless of the weather. Having said that I've found the mid-week hookup to be much more likely given that most university students prefer a cheaper option on a Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday evening.

                        -------------------------------------------------------

The following took place on ANZAC day (An Australian national public holiday).

The familiar vibration of a text message was felt against my leg as I lay awake in my bed. As I robotically swiped the lock screen to one side I could see the message was from Jim, a friend of mine.

"Where are we going to watch the game today?"

It was ANZAC day. A day to honour the fallen Australian and New Zealand soldiers of World War One, World War Two, conflicts and peacekeeping operations by getting blind-drunk and watching a game of AFL. Jim and I had decided to gather a group of roughly fifteen people to accompany us to a bar in Richmond on the outskirts of the Melbourne CBD. As expected the bar was crammed wall to wall with drunken 20-somethings enjoying every minute of their mid-week freedom.

With my pint of beer firmly gripped in my right hand I decided to position myself away from most of my friends as to get a better view of the outside television screen. During the first quarter of the game I had bumped into a few guys from work who had taken a liking to a group of girls to our left.

“That chick is hot.” Whispered Steve as he turned his body towards me in an attempt to disguise his admiration. 

“I think you should go tell her.” I replied.

With a split second of hesitation and a sip of his beer Steve turned in the direction of the group of girls. His face remained emotionless as he took a few steps in the direction of the short brunette. Her face was slightly chubby, but her body reasonably thin. She wore black leggings with a pair of denim short shorts complimenting her rounded ass. Her low cut top revealed a perfectly tanned set of breasts, which made the hours she spent at the solarium obvious. As they watched the game her group’s shrieks of excitement sounded similar to the squawking sounds of a hungry group of seagulls fighting over the last piece of bread.

“You’re hot” Steve said as he stood facing her maintaining strong eye contact.

“Oh, thanks” The short brunette replied grinning from ear to ear. You could see in her face that she was understandably a little taken back by his bold statement. At this point I decided it would be best for me to introduce myself to their group, as they seemed quite open to talking to new people. After fifteen minutes of back and forth small talk it was the short brunette that turned her attention towards me. She would make a point of getting up in my face like a rabid dog when a goal was scored against the team I was supporting.

It wasn’t until half time that I saw an opportunity to isolate her from her friends.

“Hey, let’s go get a drink.” I suggested turning my body in the direction of the busy bar. She obliged as I took her hand and led her through the deafening crowd of rowdy football fans until we reached the back of a surprisingly small queue.

“Should we get some shots? It’s my shout.” Said the short brunette as we made our way to the front of the queue. I quickly put my wallet back in my pocket and agreed that shots would be a good option. As I licked the salt off my hand, threw back the shot and sucked the bitter juice from the slice of lemon I knew that this would be a good moment to go for the kiss. The kiss was short, yet passionate. She didn’t seem to care that we were in a public bar with hundreds of spectators.

As we made the journey back through the crowd the short brunette mentioned that she needed to go to the toilet and that she wanted me to wait for her. I told her to be quick as I stood chatting with the bouncer at the toilet entrance. Within ten seconds the toilet door swung open.

“Come into the cubicle with me” She whispered

“You can’t go in there.” Warned the security guard in his attempt at the deepest voice on the planet.

“I know, I know. I won’t go in. She’s crazy.” I replied

As the bouncer walked away I felt her hand firmly grasping my wrist as she yanked me inside of the female toilets.

“What are you doing? Are you crazy? We’re going to be kicked out.” I screamed.

I was being a little bitch.

Within five seconds my cock was deep in the salivating depths of her throat, but before I could begin to enjoy it, a loud thumping rattled the cubicle door.

“Get out! NOW!”

We were quickly removed from the venue, but that wasn’t before I explained to my friends the reason I was being kicked out.

A rough timeline of the following 5 hours:

8pm – The short brunette and I arrive at a family restaurant thinking it was 2am. We do shots, dry fuck in full view of the entire restaurant and act generally inappropriate.

10pm – A group of my friends are involved in a fight out the front of the bar.

10.30pm – A group of my girlfriends are involved in a (cat)fight out the front of the bar. Reeeow

1am – I am invited to stay the night at the short brunette’s house. We order $60 worth of Mcdonald’s and head home for sex. Her house just happens to be a five minute walk from my office so the journey to work the following day is short. Perfect.

1.30am – Another group of my friends witness a small Asian boy being dragged down an alleyway by three would-be robbers. They flee the scene after being scared off.

Oh glorious Melbourne.

 - Gavin Madden